Dear Friend,
 
October 31st is the spooky holiday for the West. Even though the Chinese 
Ghost Day (The 7th Full Moon of the year) is two months earlier, I enjoy
Holloween better. The Western spirits appear to be more interesting and less 
scary. Nevertheless, I know I am not completely safe in New York City.
There are always an abundance of beautiful vampiress, dead or alive, eager to 
suck me dry...  
 
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<Rated: PG-13>
 
Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to be Trick or Treating
 
10) You get winded from knocking on the door.
9) You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8) You ask for high fiber candy only.
7) When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and
fall over.
6) People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5) When the door opens you yell, "Trick or." and can't remember the rest.
4) By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3) You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2) You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1) You avoid going to houses where your ex's live.
 

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<Rated: R>
 
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
 
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with 
   fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
 
AND the #1 reason:
 
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!  
 
<Thanks to Barb for those two>
 
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<Rated: G>
 
After rear-ending my car, the young man who was driving came running 
up to my door and asked, "Are you all right?"
 
"I'm not sure," I said, handing him my business card.
 
"Oh, no!" he groaned.  "I hit a lawyer!"
 
Just then my son pulled up in his police cruiser.  When he got out and 
asked, "Are you all right, Dad?" the driver moaned again.
 
Later an ambulance arrived, and an EMT I knew came running over.
"How do you feel, Mr. Clifford?"
 
At this point the poor driver slumped against his car."Okay," he said, 
"when is the mayor coming?"
 
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<Rated: PG>
 
On a business trip, my father approached a security check   
point at the airport.  The National Guard shift was rotating,   
and a guard in full uniform was in line in front of him. As   
with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through   
the metal detector.   
 
Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to the security   
personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a   
flashlight. Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through.   
 
Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside   
one of his pockets. "Sorry Sir, but this item is prohibited,"   
security said to the soldier.  Taking the knife away, the   
airport worker handed him back the M-16.   
 
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<Rated: PG>
 
Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found   
an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her   
parents.   
 
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My   
friend was about to hang up when her mom added....   
 
"And, Kathryn?"   
 
"Yes, mom?"   
 
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."   
 
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<Rated: G>
 
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good 
Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, 
"Ah, you're Freshmen."
 
He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say 
good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers 
down and open their books, it's Sophomores. 
 
When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the 
newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks 
and keep reading, it's seniors.
 
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, 
it's graduate students."
 
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<Rated: G>
 

Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and   
I went away for our anniverary.  As she was eating dinner,   
the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.   
 
Wendy:  "Hello?"   
 
Telemarketer:  "Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?"   
 
Wendy:  "I'm sorry, but he's out of town celebrating his   
wedding anniversary."   
 
Telemarketer:  "Oh, I understand.  Well, then, may I please   
speak to Mrs. Gallamore?"   
 
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<Rated: PG>
 

The cardiologist at the ER had bad news for me: "You're going 
to need a pacemaker."
 
Later, the nurse filling out the admission form began to ask me 
the standard questions: "Have you ever had mumps, measles, etc.?"
 
Seeing how upset I was, she put down the clipboard and took my hand. 
"Don't worry. This kind of heart problem is easily fixed, and your 
life will be much better as a result."
 
I felt reassured until she continued with, "Do you have a living will?"
 
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<Rated: G>
 
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our   
discussions about how to handle the customer who asks,   
"What's good tonight?"   
 
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was   
good.  I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the   
dreaded question posed to my husband.   
 
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."   
 
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<Rated: G>
 
On resume, collected by Fortune Magazine
 
-- Received a plague for Salesperson of thee Year.
-- Failed bar exam with relatively high graades.
-- Wholy responsible for two failed financiial institutions.
-- My goal is to be a meteologiest. But sinnce I possess no
   training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock
   brokerage.
 
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<Rated: PG>
 
A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town   
with a female classmate.  The truck matched them turn for   
turn, down every street.   
 
My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking   
driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window,   
and glared into his car.  After a long, hard stare, the man   
grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that   
was my daughter."   
 

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<Rated: PG-13>
 

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women.  They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,
men are just grateful.  - Robert De Niro
 
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<Rated: PG>
 
"In Florida, voting in the Presidential election started   
two weeks early. Senior citizens are already reporting   
problems with the voting machines. Apparently the seniors   
are confused because when they pull the lever, no quarters   
come out." --Conan O'Brien   
 
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<Rated: G>
 
"The road to the heart is the ear." -- Voltaire
 
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<Rated: G>
 
"My mind is my own church." -- Thomas Paine 
 
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<Rated: G>
 
"A brain has to digest its food, too."  -- Jason Mechalek 
 
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<Rated: G>
 
"Where all think alike, no one thinks very much." -- Walter Lippman