<Rated: PG>

When our lawnmower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should
get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping
away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then, deciding that I could not let this challenge go
unanswered, went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalk." 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. 


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<Rated: G>

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated 
when he returned from his third voyage?"

One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all 
had a great time."

Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed 
her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned 
from his third voyage." 

"Cool!"

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<Rated: PG>

The U.S. Army recruited more than 2,600 soldiers under new lower
aptitude standards this year, helping the service beat its goal
of 80,000 recruits in the throes of an unpopular war and
mounting casualties.

Although a high school diploma is still required, lower standardized
test scores are now allowed.

The Top 5 Questions on the New Army Recruitment Exam

5> You're an army of one. How big is your unit, soldier?

4> When you hear "Drop and give me 20!" you should:
       (A) perform 20 push-ups on the spot;
       (B) bust an extended rhyme;
       (C) take a hit of LSD and pay your dealer;
	   (D) lie down with palms up in the air.

3> Which of the following is NOT a gun?
       (A) shotgun;
       (B) machine gun;
       (C) BB gun;
       (D) Paris Hilton.

2> From the list below choose (1) the one you are NOT to shoot,
   and (2) the one least likely to shoot you:
       (A) al-Qaeda;
       (B) al-Zawahri;
       (C) al-Gore;
       (D) Dick Cheney.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Question on the New Army Recruitment Exam...

1> Do you have *any* idea where Osama bin Laden is hiding?


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<Rated: PG>

Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep
on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. 

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<Rated: PG>

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are 
my sweetheart

Your husband
Joe

.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses 
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him 
some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and 
I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart
Amanda


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<Rated: G>

George W. Bush's Sandwich

On the Listening Tour, George was pleased and proud that the local 
sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him. 
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it. 
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.


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<Rated: G>

Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
    fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
    guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
    were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
    [ ] string
    [ ] pliers
    [ ] gunpowder
    [ ] hammer marks
    [ ] chisel
    [ ] part of skull attached to tooth
    [ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

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<Rated: PG>

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise 
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar- J, 
my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the  other son 
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding." 

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<Rated: G>

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside
him.  Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. "What's 
wrong?" asked Jack.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered.
"There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes,
robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs, flood,  . . . . the highest
crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not
as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and
say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."


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<Rated: G>

Two women were comparing notes on  the difficulties of running a small 
business. "I started a new practice last  year," the first one said. "I 
insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can 
do without." 

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<Rated: R>

"The Bag Lady"

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging
two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each
hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every
once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I' d better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee
in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

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<Rated: G>

QUESTION: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

ANSWER: A nervous wreck!

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<Rated: PG>

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.  The driver screamed, lost control of
the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just
inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights
out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last
25 years."

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<Rated: PG>

[[[ Quotes from the Top Five List ]]]

"If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to ask a woman if she's pregnant.
But if you do, by all means, never follow it up with, "Are you sure?"
-- Greg Peacock

"Some people think triskaidekaphobia (a fear of the number 13) is irrational.
Well that's just silly! Now, fear of the square root of negative seven 
-- THAT'S irrational!" --Douglas Frank

"While more strippers and more beer are undoubtedly a good thing, I've found
it's much easier to convince your boss that you deserve a raise if you just
leave that part out." --  Dave James

"I tried to convey to the aliens who abducted me that I needed a warm,
affectionate, young female earthling for companionship. Something
must have been lost in the translation, though, because they went back
to earth and got my cat." -- Gary Hardester