[] Happy Halloween, my friend. During the 2003 Halloween season, United Blood Services of Durango, Colorado, held an unusual blood drive - trading beer for blood. For every pint of blood given, the donor received a free pint of beer. Bonus: The blood bank people got into the spirit of things by dressing as vampires. HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Spur of the moment A couple on vacation decided on the spur of the moment to get married. So they went to the county courthouse. But they accidentally walked up to the offices where hunting licenses are sold. "We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?" The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a 3-day permit." HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side. "Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked. "Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought." HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park. The witness: They were fucking, your honor. The judge: Could the witness put it in a more civilized way? The witness re-phrased in a Sheakspearian text: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Some of my co-workers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it. Months later, when the box was moved during remodeling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, "Lower the box!" HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting people to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit. Looking con-fused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please." HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He recently gave high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how feel good, politically correct teaching has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. You may want to share this list with kids, other teachers and parents you know...it's pretty close to the reality most of us so- called grown-ups have come to know. Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Because my parents were married on Aug 27, my dad gives my mom an "anniversary" card on the 27th of every month as a way of showing her how much he loves her and appreciates their 40 years together. I was talking to Dad this weekend and he told me that when he gave Mom her most recent card she told him, "I'm so glad you do this every month. It reminds me it's time to give the dogs their flea medication." HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] [How Corporate America do Business] A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies. Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people. Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs." So they laid off the night watchman. HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" "Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!" HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] A minister was counseling a woman who was having marital problems. "Does your husband believe in life after death?" The minister asked. "Hah! He doesn't even believe in life after supper,"' the woman said. HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make! A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all." The teacher fainted HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] [[HOW TO COMMENT ON WOMEN YET REMAIN POLITICALLY CORRECT]] She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not EASY - she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She is not an AIRHEAD - she is REALITY INDEPENDENT. She is not a PEROXIDE BLONDE - she is OXIDANT DEPENDENT. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She is not KINKY - she is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION. She does not have a KILLER BODY - she is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She is not HORNY - she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - she is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She is not LOOSE - she is MORALLY UNINHIBETED. She does not have THIN LIPS - she is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT. She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She does not GET YOU EXCITED - she causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided tojust go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist. They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!" HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-rate fare for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in, asking "What trip?" HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] THE EXECUTION Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!" HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] A group of ET landed in Washington, DC, where they were given a hero's welcome. They were honored at a banquet at the White House and treated to a tour of the capitol. After a day and a night of talking with the politicians and the press, the aliens returned to their home planet. "Bad news," said the returning alien leader to his boss. "We wasted all that time and we still don't know if there's intelligent life on Earth." HNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHNHN [] [[Quotes: Women's Advices about Men's Clothes from the book 'Make Over Your Men' by Llyod Boston]] "All Men are not built the same and cannot wear the same style clothes." -- Michelle "I can't stand to see black pants and black shoes with white socks." -- Laurie "Men's clothes are either too loose, or too tight. Find a happy medium." -- Dyanna "Men always pull out their comfortabls shoes that they think go with everything - but they really don't." -- Alice "Three wrong moves: Ties that are too short. Socks that are too short. And dress shirts with short sleeves" -- Audrey "Let him think that a new style is his idea." -- Lawrine "Most guys should just hand over the money and let the women in their lives do the shopping." -- Rhoda "Women would love it if more men put more of an effort into their appearance. We do it, our men should too!" -- Jasmin