<Rated: G>
 
My partner and I were in our police car when we were   
dispatched to break up a domestic dispute.  We spoke with   
the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.   
 
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-   
of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the   
front door.   
 
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment   
when my partner tried to cover for me by saying...   
 
"If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet." 
 
========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
A man found his obituary in a local newspaper. Angrily, he 
called to complain. 
 
"I am the man in your newspaper obituary section today." 
the main said.
 
"What is your name?"
 
"I am Joe Smith."
 
Expecting a retraction, Mr. Smith was shocked to see the
screaming headline the next day:
 
"Exclusive Interview with a Dead Man."
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was   
mending fences out on the range.   
 
The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's   
mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes!   
 
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes   
heaven-ward and exclaimed, "Praise God! It's a miracle!"   
 
"Not really...." said the cow. "Your name was written inside   
the cover."   
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their 
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding 
and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. 
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
 
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
 
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
 
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
 
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
 
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
 
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
 
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
 
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
 
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for 
Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
 
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
 
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
 
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our 
wedding gifts, please.' 
 
========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
When I was in the Navy, I received a document that I had to initial.  
I read it, initialed it, and forwarded it on up the chain to the 
Duty Officer.
 
The next day it came back with a note attached:  "This document did not 
concern you.  Erase your initials and initial the erasure."
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
A small display at the fish hatchery where I work describes   
a now-extinct fish called the Michigan Grayling. Last summer,   
I had the following conversation with a tourist...   
 
"Is the Grayling still extinct?"   
 
"Yes, sir," I replied, "it no longer exists."   
 
"Any thought of bringing it back?"   
 
I don't think that's possible."   
 
"Why not?"   
 
"Because it's extinct."   
 
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]   
 

========================================================
<Rated: PG>
 
Dear Tech Support:   
 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and   
noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and   
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the   
Boyfriend 5.0 system.   
 
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable   
programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable   
programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.   
 
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6   
simply crashes the system.   
 
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to   
no avail.   
 
What can I do?   
 
Signed,   
 
Desperate   
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.   
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went   
to the door and way the priest.   
 
He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for   
God is here!"   
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and 
joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first 
time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play 
because they were already out on the course.
 
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, 
the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many 
strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't 
need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only 
real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
 
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.
The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt 
for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed 
in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a 
high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
 
Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap 
where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, 
but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
 
Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything,   
but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.   
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for 
protection.  As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer 
told her, "He doesn't like men."
 
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
 
Then one day two men in a parking lot approached her, and she 
watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.  
 
Soon it became clear the trainer wasn't kidding.  As the men got 
closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
 

========================================================
<Rated: PG>
 
Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye open   
and half of their brain awake. The only other living thing   
known to do this is the Government Employee.   
 

========================================================
<Rated: PG>
 
"In an imperfect, messy world, winning a war is often the easy bit; it is 
winning the peace that is the difficult part." -- Irfan Husain 
 

========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut   
up." --Tom Lehrer   
 
========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
"Right on the alarm clock is the snooze button, which is   
basically a built-in cheating option. I don't know why I   
didn't think of it earlier, but finally I just taped it   
down." --Arj Barker  
 
========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
"People forget things. When young people forget things, they say 'no big
deal', 'coo' and move on. When old people forget things, they think
they have Alzheimer's." - Majid Fotuhi
 
========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
"The average person thinks he isn't." - Father Larry Lorenzoni
 
========================================================
<Rated: G>
 
"Eighty percent of success is showing up." -- Woddy Allen