[Rated: G] A fifth grader looks sad, so her teacher asks, "What's the problem? I hope it's not homework again." "Well, uh, yes it is," the little girl says. "I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane." "That wasn't a very bright thing to do," says the teacher, "but just this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in." "Oh, but that won't work," the girl says, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked." ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG] A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz." "What a diamond!" "How lucky you are!" "Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!" The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?" "Mr. Lipshitz," sighed the lady. ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: G] Some children's answers to church school questions - from the Church of England: • Noah's wife was called Joan of Arc. • Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsley that he made him a cardigan. • The fifth commandment is "humour thy father and mother". • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. • Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrod's. • Holy acrimony is another name for matrimony. • The pope lives in a vacuum. • The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick. • Iran is the Bible of the Moslems. • A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible. • Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges. • The native of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned. • It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible. • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG] An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a Scripture to you." "Scripture?" cried the man, "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38's." ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG] CUSTOMER SURVEY This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website, by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour and made the web department take it down immediately. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ..................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name...................................................... Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /...... 4. Serial Number: ............................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Panama [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Nice Person [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Work At Post Office Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our War Not Peace Sweepstakes! ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG] The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through." ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG-13] A construstion worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG] Annual Neologism Contest Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: PG-13] John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young woman. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "Hi, I'm Baby! Who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said. ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: G] Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it." ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ ^0^ [Rated: G] [[[ Quotes of Insults and Put-Downs ]]] "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "Her face was her chaperone." --Rupert Hughes "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." -- English professor, Ohio University "He's completely unspoiled by failure." -- Noel Coward "Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs." --Author Unknown "She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing." -- Oscar Levant "You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.' -- Jim Samuels "She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong." -- Mae West "Insanity in individuals is something rare, but in groups, parties, and nations, it is the rule." -- Frederich Nietzeche "No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree." -- WC Fields "I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." -- William F. Buckley, Jr. "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'" -- Bob Newhart "Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." -- E.L. Doctorow "Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!" -- Groucho Marx "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson