"Excuse For Being Late" Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ [[Wacky Media Offerings]] "Teen's tongue piercing linked to pain" (AP) "Poor monk has nothing but his eight ATM cards" (Reuters) "Greenspan is recovering from a surgery for an enlarged prostitute." (ABC, Caption on World News Tonight) "Dog saves owner, dies trying to save cat." (AP) "Johnny Unitas remains dead and did not celebrate his 70th birthday." (Philadelphia Daily News, Correction after they ran an item noting football player Johny Unitas' 70th birthday.) ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen. "From now on you need to know that I'm the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "Er... The funeral director would be my guess!!!" ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!" "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!" Damn near ended up in the Hospital and still can't walk. Don't mess with Old People! ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the Nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ "Fire Sale" After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired...." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ On a bookstore display shelf, my five-year-old daughter spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him," she said. Surprised she recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States." "I know he was important," she agreed. "How did you know that?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ "It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ WORDS WOMEN USE FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. WHATEVER: It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU! Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!" ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ This rather stupid guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears another guy say to HIS wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey" and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a neat idea. So, the very next morning at breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ "Will that be cash, check or charge?" asked the sales person, after folding items a woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, a remote control for a television set become visible in the woman's purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" asked the sales clerk. "Oh no," replied the woman, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ “Who’s The Boss?” When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts, he should be the boss. The Lungs argued that since he processed all the air... he should be the boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the boss. The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food .. he should be the boss. The Eyes said without them, man would be helpless... so he should be the boss. Then Butt applied for the job.... The Butt stated that without him producing of the waste, man would be helpless... so he should be the boss. The other parts laughed so hard, the Butt became MAD!! Then, in vengeance, Butt slowly but surely closed up! Completely. One Day passed.... Two Days passed.... Three Days passed... Four Days passed.... After a week, the Brain went foggy............. the Lungs spasmed in agony ..... the Legs got wobbly.......... the Stomach was ill......... the Eyes crossed....... The whole body felt terrible and week.... All parts held a meeting among themselves. They thought and thought and couldn’t figure out what to do. So, they all conceded and made Butt the boss.... This proves that you don’t have to be a brain to be a boss...... JUST an A**hole.... Food for Thought: Do you ever notice what BOSS spells backward??? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ "Why is E-Mail like a Pxnxs?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those that don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those that don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do not have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit vital to survival of species, but most folks today use it for fun and games. Once you start playing with it , it's hard to stop. Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If you use it too much, you will find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you'll ask, why on earth did I do that? It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same things it did before. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ [[[[ Quotation from the archive, aka The Basement ]]]] "The problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small." -- Mother Theresa "The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." -- Colin Chapman "In the physical world, one cannot increase the size or quantity of anything without changing its quality. Similar figures exist only in pure geometry." -- Paul Valéry (1871 - 1945) "The secret to leadership is to see your position as an opportunity to serve, not as a trumpet call to self-importance." -- J. Donald Walters "Whenever you can, count." -- J. R. Newman (ed.) The World of Mathematics "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, former NYC mayor "Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire" -- Dan Zevin "There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke." --Unknown "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis." --Margaret Bonnano