{Rated: G} At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." _________ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." _________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." _________ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50" The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" (Thanks to Barbara) """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} A friend of mine worked in an airplane hangar owned by Bob Mukenschnabl and managed by Bob Smith. One day a salesman wandered in and asked a mechanic if Bob was around. The mechanic replied, "Mukenschnabl?" Puzzled, the salesman repeated his question to another mechanic and got the same response. Finally, he stormed to the center of the hangar and shouted, "Doesn't anybody here speak English?" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing." """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: PG-13} These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. _________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. _________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? A: Yes. Q: What school did you go to? A: Oral. _________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? _________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} I was working as a phone-order representative for a textbook publisher. One very busy day, many customers had been put on hold. When I took my next call, I heard a soft yet annoyed voice on the line muttering, "Darn, darn, damn, darn, darn it!" I chuckled and said, "What may I help you with today?" There was a brief silence, followed by, "I'm so sorry. I wish to place an order." "Don't be sorry," I replied. "That's hardly the worst thing I've heard today. Now, first I need your name." "Oh, dear," she said, "how embarrassing. My name is Sister Patience." """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: R} Richard?Jeni Top 10 Dating Tips 1) A pine scented air freshener around your neck is no substitute for proper hygiene. 2) No means no. Yes means yes. Maybe means "check in with me after these couple of tequila shots." 3) When it comes to unwelcome advances nothing says "you're making me uncomfortable" like a face full of pepper spray. 4) When picking up your date it's very bad form to be in front of the house honking -- especially if you don't have a car. 5) Wearing two pairs of underwear does not mean youe playing "hard to get." 6) Ordering the lobster on a first date is not only pushy, it just confuses the kid at the drive-thru. 7) If youe going to suggest watching an adult movie together ?it best to make sure that it not one that you are in. 8) To take the pressure off a first date, choose places with a lot of noise and activity?bowling allies, rock concerts, construction sites. 9) Never, ever sleep with anyone on the first date. Ha, ha, ha. 10) After youe slept with someone on the first date, don't hog the covers. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one. I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as `an imaginary aircraft.' " He got his new dictionary. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} Sign on friend's front door: Doorbell "out of order." Please "knock" or "rattle" letterbox. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} "Batman got his name because he fell into a bat cave as a young boy. Good thing he didn't fall into a gopher hole." -- Paul McGinty """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} "The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other..." -- Dave Barry """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} "I've been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: Brilliant but useless." -Connor O'Brien. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} "A clay pot sitting in the sun will always be a clay pot. It has to go through the white heat of the furnace to become porcelain." -- Mildred Whitt Stouven """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" {Rated: G} "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." -- Joseph Addison