[Rated: G] Girlfriends I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires? What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping, lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake! Pass this on to your girlfriends ! If you get this twice or more, you are lucky to have more than one girlfriend. Be happy! Someone will always be prettier. They will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their husband will fix more things around the house. So let it go, and love you and your circumstances The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely. And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing." So, again, love you. Love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!" "Winners make things happen. Losers let things happen." Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world". <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] Patient, "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor, "Tell me about your problem." Patient, "I just did, you moron!" <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] Mujibar was trying to get a certification in order to work. The test officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green" Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk and with AOL tech support. Yep for sure, I talked to him yesterday. <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: PG-13] Archie was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one." "Oh," sniffed Archie, "just one? And which way is that?" "Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . " "Praise God!!!" Archie exclaims, "Number 80!!!" <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: PG] Six things you never want to hear at the tattoo parlor: "'Eagle?' I thought you said 'beagle.'" "Boy, I hate it when I get hiccups." "Hey, buddy, we ran out of red, so I used pink." "Two O's in 'Bob,' right?" "I bet you can't tell I've never done this before." "Anything else you want to say? You've got all kinds of room back here." <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone. As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring. <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: PG-13] An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat because he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy. <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive." <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: PG] 19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.' 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'. 7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'. 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. With a serious face, order a diet water whenever you go out to eat. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme. 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!' 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!' 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Bad Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: PG] Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow. <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] Five Reasons to be Proud Canadian * Canada was the first country in the world to adopt a policy of multiculturalism. * Canada has the world's largest national park (Wood Buffalo National Park). * Canada consistently leads the world in adult literacy. * Canada has the longest bar in the world (Lulu's in Kitchener, Ontario). * According to a study, Winnipeg is the dandruff capital of the world. <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] Washington Biological Survey According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an unidentified camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. <0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0><0> [Rated: G] ((Quotation on Sick and Sickness)) "In order to change, we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired." -- Anon Inscription on a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" Seen in Ashland, New Hampshire "I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody." -- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey "A man can take a little bourbon without getting drunk, but if you hold his mouth open and pour in a quart, he's going to get sick on it." -- Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908-1973), US President I just hope people don't get sick of us. I'm sick of us and I'm in Destiny's Child. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." -- Rita Mae Brown "The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!" -- Mark Russell "A person seldom falls sick, but the bystanders are animated with a faint hope that he will die." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson "O Rose, thou art sick! The invisible worm That flies in the night, In the howling storm, Has found out thy bed Of crimson joy: And his dark secret love Does thy life destroy." -- William Blake "Life is not merely being alive, but being well." -- Martial, c. AD 66 Epigrams "Cheerfulness is the very flower of health." -- Japanese Prov