A starving artist was complaining to his landlord. "Twenty years from now people will come by here just to look at this house and say, 'Mr. Mitchell the famous painter once lived here.'" The landlord was not impressed. "Listen, son, if you don't pay your rent they'll be saying that day after tomorrow." UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU If Sony made toasters... Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER? Ten simple rules for dating my daughter...from an All American Father Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car or mow the lawn? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said, never mind. I found one. UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU [[Riddle of the Day]] I am black and white, but not a zebra I can be flat as a paper, or sharp as a knife I flip open and closed, yet I am not a door I can be quiet as silence, and yet loud as an orchestra. I often appear in cartoons, killing a few What am I? UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe. UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The label read "In case of an emergency, unzip and exit through the top." {From RD} UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU [[Q & A]] Q: What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? A: He wanted to know who the other man was... Q: What has four legs and smells like fish? A: Clinton's desk. Q. Which one doesn't belong: A shrimp, a lobster, a salmon, or a Russian with a piano on top of him? A. The salmon. All the rest are crustaceans. Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan? A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent. UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU Six most common lies from 'The Book of Lies' 1. I'll just be a minute. 2. Let's get together for lunch. I'll give you a call. 3. Everything's fixed. 4. The check is in the mail. 5. I'll return your book as soon as I finish reading it. 6. The doctor will be with you shortly. UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because the black horse don't know diddly about cars". UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU Answering machine My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. He-llo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner! UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession ..." Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU [[Answer to Riddle of the Day]] A Piano UVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVUVU [[[ Quotes from my archive ]]] "Women are cats will do as they please, and men and dog should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery." -- Enrico Fermi "The time to be happy is now, the place to be happy is here, the way to be happy is to make others so." -- Robert Ingersoll "Life is wasted on the living." -- Douglas Adams "Without alienation, there can be no politics." -- Arthur Miller "I have a friend whose life is so boring, he has a bumper sticker on his car that says, 'Hit me. I need the excitement.'" --Bill Jones "I like the rough impersonality of New York, where human relations are oiled by jokes, complaints, and confessions—all made with the assumption of never seeing the other person again." —Bill Bradley, former senator from New Jersey "Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes "Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a license plate." --Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality "When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land." - Bishop Desmond Tutu "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." -- William Shakespeare