Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Mr. Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "... And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two politicians were having lunch and discussing the issues. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An 7 year old girl goes to her dad who is working in the yard and asks, "Daddy, what's sex"? The father is surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He tells her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm; and the male and female. When he has finished explaining, the little girl is looking at him with her mouth opened, so the father asks her, "why did you ask this question"? The little girl explains that "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! According to the order form she brought home from school, if we wanted a school photograph of our first-grader, there was just one simple rule we had to adher to: "Your child must be present at the time the picture is taken." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Looking over the job listings on The Home Depot website, I noticed one with a highly peculiar job description: 'On rare occasions there may be a need to move or lift light articles. Examples include executive assistant, bank loan officer and accounting clerk.'" [Thanks to Reader's Digest and, apparently, Home Depot.] !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then her husband spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?" "Of course, dear; every single detail!" "Good. Henceforth that's how I want my breakfast served every morning." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Looks don't matter anymore. It's all about how nice they are. At this point, I want to find a guy who's right for me. I want someone who's gong to treat me well and love me." -- hotel heiress and reality TV star PARIS HILTON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "There are three indespensible skills that together will help you cope with unprecidented demands on your abilities. First, you must be able to easily and quickly adapt to change; second, you must become an adept manager of information; and third, you must develop creativity and innovation." -- John Laurence Miller !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m." --Ronald Reagan, Former President of USA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, Former President of USA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Former Vice President of USA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future." --Richard Jeni !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery