One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache." ================================================================ A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!" ================================================================ The young woman entered Dairy Queen and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the boy wheezed as he spoke, smacked his chest and seemed unable to continue. "Do you have laryngitis?" the young lady asked sympathetically. "Nope," he whispered, "Just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry." ================================================================ This is classic. Definitions you won't find in the dictionary ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ================================================================ A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem." "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk." ================================================================ Are You More Male or Female???????? To find the Answer, look down. V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V Not here, Stupid. Just look DOWN !!!~ ================================================================ Q: What's the best thing about turning 65? A: No more calls from insurance salesmen. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What's the object of a Jewish football game? A: To get the quarter back! ------------------------------------------------ Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: They have the same middle name. ================================================================ In this 21st Century... Our communication - Wireless Our dress - Topless Our telephone - Cordless Our cooking - Fireless Our youth - Jobless Our food - Fatless Our labour - Effortless Our conduct - Worthless Our relation - Loveless Our attitude - Careless Our feelings - Heartless Our politics - Shameless Our education - Valueless Our follies - Countless Our arguments - Baseless Our boss - Brainless Our Job - Thankless! ================================================================ Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wifes. Harry said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night." "Well, really," says William. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!" AMAZING..... Elephant's Memory - Touching Story - Read with Patience In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly, the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. ================================================================ The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma!!!," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!!!" "Honestly?", his mother replied. The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?" ================================================================ A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a string snipper. The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any stray strings. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London - that sort of thing. And you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels." "I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno" "Fresno? Why would I wanna go to Fresno?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!" ================================================================ A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow. After the candidate’s little speech, the fellow said, "Vote for you? Why I’d rather vote for the Devil!" "I understand," said the candidate, "but in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?" ================================================================ A store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. Panic ensued until he an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read . . . MAIN ENTRANCE ================================================================ A mother was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. Why, "your such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter." "You what?" And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new fly swatter. I used the old one." ================================================================ Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention: l. There's too much front end protrusion 2. It chatters at high speeds 3. The rear end wobbles too much, and 4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust." "Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours." ================================================================ [[[Quotations]]] "For me, failure is not an option. It comes standard with everything I do." -- Wiley "Now that the pope has pissed off all the Muslims, I assume he'll be going after us Catholics next." -- Tidewater Joe "Do all the good you can, to all the people you can, in all the ways you can, as long as you can." -- D. L. Moody "I have this great trick where I can take a glass of ice water and, through sheer concentration, bring it to a boil. Well, actually, I've never gotten it to boil, but I did get it up to room temperature once." -- Pat Sajak