The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?" The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticise your wife for her short comings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo If Adam and Eve had been Cantonese, they would still be in Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the gushy snake instead of the bloody apple! Q: What's the hardest part about skydiving? A: The ground. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo During Army training, one young recruit was being hassled by his drill instructor. "I suppose after you get discharged you'll be waiting for me to die so you can spit on my grave," the Sgt snarled. "Not me, Sarge," replied the recruit. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never standing in line again." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo Federal Aviation Agency 800 Independence Avenue SW Washington DC 20591 Dear Sirs: I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Those terrorists would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress and George W. think of this? Sincerely, Bill C. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo Little Johnny and Little Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance....Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and my dad gives me 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out." I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..." Mr. Smith fainted. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!" OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [[Around the campfire]] A vacationing family sitting around the campfire has the following conversation: 1. Father: What day is it? I am sure it isn't Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. 2. Mother: Well that's not very helpful dear. Besides yesterday was Friday. 3. Father: No, now that I think about it, yesterday wasn't Friday, tomorrow is Friday. 4. Junior: The day after tomorrow is Thursday. 5. Susie: You are nuts. Tomorrow is Thursday. 6. Mother: Actually, it's probably Thursday today. 7. Junior: All we know for sure is that it wasn't Sunday yesterday. If only one statement above is true, what day of the week is it? << Scroll Down for the answer >> OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo Daily briefing Mr. Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims, "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, visibly shaken. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo THINGS A REDNECK WILL NEVER SAY 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Pink Lemonade. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's (Wrestling is) fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. I'll take Shakespeare for 100, Alex. 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads on the wall detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 09. Checkmate. 08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 05. I don't have a favorite college team. 04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 01. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm drivin tonight. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo A woman goes to an attorney to ask about getting a divorce. The attorney asks, "Does he beat you?" "No, sir." "Does he keep you short of money?" "No, sir." "Is he a perpetual drunkard?" "No, sir." "Is he unfaithful to you?" "Ah, we've got him there. He was not the father of me last child." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [[More Weird Bumper Stickers.... with an edge ]] I took a bite out of crime. It tastes just like chicken. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. You have the right to remain silent... Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. I'm not speeding, officer. I'm just driving my car. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. I just want revenge, is that so wrong? End racism. Kill everyone. Don't steal--the government hates competition. Stop repeat offenders... Don't re-elect them! Bad cop. Baaad cop... No Donut! Insured by the Mafia--You hit me, We hit you! Fight crime--Shoot back. Support mental health or I'll whack you! I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Bosses are like diapers: always on your ass and usually full of shit. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo Solution to Around the campfire Number each person's statement and write down the list of days that it could be according to each statement. 1. Monday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday 2. Saturday 3. Thursday, Sunday 4. Tuesday 5. Wednesday 6. Thursday 7. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday The only day mentioned one time is Monday. Therefore it must be Monday, otherwise one of the other statements would be true. [Does this make sense to you?] OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [[[ Quotes that makes very little if non sense ]]] "Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Nine out of ten Americans agree that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine." -- Unknown "I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them." -- George Bush, Past US President "Here's my message to everyone out there: I don't want you to kill yourself. But if you're gonna kill someone else, kill yourself first." -- Unknown "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." -- US Senator Barbara Boxer "I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am." -- Homer Simpson About guys who become transsexuals to have lesbian relationships with other women: "It's like going to India to get a hamburger. Too much work with no payoff." -- Unknown "A zebra cannot change its spots." -- Al Gore. "You can't just let nature run wild. " -- Wally Hickel "I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents." -George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaignn "In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday...." -- Unknown "you know what happens to popular people...They get fat" - Unknown Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent. Leave that to me. -- Eminem, the rapper "If I had to pick someone to lose my virginity to, you would be my first choice." -- Unknown "Is it weird in here, or is it just me?" -- Stephen Wright