<Rated: G>



The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. 
When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns." 
 
Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, "Automobiles?" 

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!" The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say 
the same about you."

"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"


"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

A n   H i s t o r i c a l   P e r s p e c t i v e  O n  P e d e s t r i a n   C h i c k e n s
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fortitied Version}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. 

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

GOVERNMENT ADVISORY COMMITTEE:: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Outsourced feasibility studies by the government
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Poultry Integration Model (PIM) has helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This convened a
diverse cross- spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with business
strategists with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each
other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across
the continuum of poultry cross- median processes. The meeting was held in
a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which
was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission,
vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total
business integration solution. The Government Advisory Committee has helped
the chicken change to become more successful.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

THOMAS DE QUINCY: Because it ran out of opium.

ROBERT FROST: To cross the road less traveled by.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Chicken, as feedom fighters, should serve their country by
finding the Weapon of Mass Destruction on the other side of the road.

GROUCHO MARX: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.

MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

WERNER HEISENBERG: We are uncertain which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.

OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.

JACQUES DERRIDA: What is the "difference?". The chicken was merely deferring
from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken
in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

SALVADOR DALI: Fish.

JAMES JOYCE: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of
its race.

ZENO OF ELEA: To prove it could never reach the other side.

JOHN MILTON: To justify the ways of God to men. MACHIAVELLI: The point is
that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the
road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone
cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck
was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with
the chicken.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did NOT cross the road.

JULIUS CAESAR: To come, to see, to conquer.

BOB DYLAN: How many roads must one chicken cross?

MARTIN LUTHER KING: It had a dream.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion
tend to cross the road.

MARGARET THATCHER: There was no alternative.

MAE WEST: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

JACQUES LACAN: Because of its desire for "object a".

MICHAEL FOUCAULT: It did so because the discourse of crossing the road left
it no choice-the police state was oppressing it.

ROLAND BARTHES: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

AYN RAND: It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to
do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to
each individual.

LEOPOLD BLOOM: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration
maybe. Mrs. Marion Bloom.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
of life.

WOLFGANG PAULI: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

Dinning at a Texan restaurant, my friend was surprised to see a huge hamburger placed on his table.
"Wow," he exclaimed, "everything IS bigger in Texas!"

As he lifted the burger off the plate, his eyes met the cold stare of the 300-pound waitress. 

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG>

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they 
decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, 
formed a women's club and became very active.

After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, 
urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding 
action.

After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted
equal privileges! 

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

David went up to a girl in a bar once and asked her where she was from. 

Evidently she wasn't interested, because she said, "Mars." 

So David asked, "You need a ride home?" 


"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG-13>

[[Feminists Q & As]]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
     Because they are plugged into a genius
 
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
    They don't have enough time
 
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
    They don't stop to ask directions
 
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
    Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock
 

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
    So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties
 
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
    You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
 
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
    Don't know.....it's never happened
 
And my personal favorite:
 
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
    Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
 
"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG>

President Bush was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the 
four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil." 

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG>


Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available 
for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

17. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

18. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

19. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

20. TV Remotes: For Men Only 


"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG>


A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and 
unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious 
state.  The Marine was conscious and alert.  

As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily 
armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.  Seeing each other we 
both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that 
George W. is a rich, good-for-nothing idiot."  

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

Fifteen days ago, Dary read that smoking can kill you; The next day Dary stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, Dary 
read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day Dary stopped eating red meat.. Eight days ago, Dary read 
that drinking can kill you; The next day Dary stopped drinking. Yesterday, Dary read that having sex can kill
you. This morning Dary stopped reading. 

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG-13>

[[From Redneck Country]]

A guy passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Down south. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been 
called a teeth brush.


Did you hear about the $3 million Lottery?  The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


A new law was recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are still cousins.


"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG>


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected 
changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as 
Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs 
and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.

--Desperate

***************************************

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the
command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, 
HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will 
crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new 
applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3.

--Tech Support

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: PG>

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I've heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung 
cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat." 

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true." 

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too." 

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?" 

The man says, 

"Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with." 


"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

[[Useless facts]]

Once a hurricane has done extreme damage, its name is retired from the list of future names. Bye, Katrina.

Poison Oak is not an oak and Poison Ivy is not an ivy. Both are members of the cashew family.

On average, American men spend 11.4 minutes taking a shower. Women take 13 minutes.

Original name for Bank of America? Bank of Italy.

(Bank of America began banking in San Francisco as the Bank of Italy, which catered to small farmers mostly 
of Italian descent. Amadeo Peter Giannini was the founder. When the fire and earthquake of 1906 forced 
many bigger banks to close, he set up two planks on a wharf and continued business. By 1930 those two planks 
had grown into the Bank of America. From "The Story of Bank of America": Biography of a Bank 
By Marquis James and Bessie R. James)  

"'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'""'"

<Rated: G>

[[Traffic! Traffic.]]]

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" -- Robin Williams 


"Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead." -- Mac McCleary


"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it
deserves."  -- Albert Einstein


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among 
these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." -- P. J. O'Rourke quotes 
 

"I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe."  -- Unknown


"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines." -- David Letterman


"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." -- Unknown


"A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense." -- American Proverb


"The speedway ends at the cemetery." -- Author Unknown


"When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio.  If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a 
good chance the transmission is shot." -- Larry Lujack


"If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, 
get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside" -- Robert Cringely
 

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."  -- Author Unknown


"The shortest distance between two points is under construction." -- Noelie Altito


"Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly." -- Unknown