Family Fortune Host (UK): We asked 100 people what a girl should know about a man before she marries him. Lynn, what would you say? Contestant: His name. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I went out to tag a newborn calf on our ranch, and my six-year- old daughter, Stephanie, accompanied me. As I pierced the calf's ear tissue, it jerked its head and I punctured my knee. I painfully stood up and started limping towards the house. "What's wrong with your leg, Mom?" asked Stephanie. "I stabbed my knee with the tagger." "Wow!" she exclaimed. "What number did you get?" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Overheard in New York Son: Dad, you want my banana? Dad: Hell, no, I don't want your banana! That don't even sound right! --M9 bus, Ave B Tourist Chick #1: There's a subway on every corner in New York. Tourist Chick #2: Really? Wow. How about the trains? --Starbucks, Times Square Woman #1: I think we should beat him up. Woman #2: I'm a Muslim Buddhist Jew. I don't wanna listen to his Christian rock! Woman #3: Hee hee...yeah! --Financial District Son: Is rain alien acid or regular acid? Mom: Regular acid. --43 Street & 9th Avenue Lowlife: I hate shopping. Yuppie: You have to love it, because we really need to avoid this look. --W. 8th & Broadway Girlfriend: Oh, look, that homeless person is sleeping. We should wake him up. Boyfriend: Why would you wake him up? Girlfriend: Well, like, what if he misses his stop? --Brooklyn bound L train Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on. --Flight out of LaGuardia Asian girl: Do you want to go eat Korean food? Little brother: What does it taste like? Asian girl: It's like American food. --Manhattan Mall Food Court, 33rd & 6th =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant and asked, "Is this good for wasps?" After looking at it for a moment, he said, "No madam. It will kill them." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies. "Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishing, sir." "Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a big sip of beer and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Greatest person When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school, he discovered that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him. One day the teacher asked the class, "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" To make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, "Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars." All of the kids called out their guesses. One said, "George Washington, because he was the father of our country." "That's excellent," said the teacher. Another said, "Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves." "That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of 'excellent,' but still being polite. One little girl said, "Joan of Arc, because she saved France." "Another excellent choice," said the teacher. Then Abraham Liebowitz raised his hand. So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" And Abraham said, "Jesus Christ." The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said, "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus. Abraham said, "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but business is business!" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it. Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- How to Handle a Husband A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. "I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, woman? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?' "She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.' "And from that moment ... we have lived happily ever after." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- While working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks Community College in Centreville, MI, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, "Can I get something blown up down there?" After a pause the voice on the line replied, "I think you want the chemistry lab." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Man to family climbing out of the car: "Well, we finally found a parking space. Does anyone remember why we're here?" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two?" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Top 5 Real-World Translations of Marketing Slogans 5> "Think different." -- "ONE OF US! ONE OF US!" 4> "Fahrvergnugen." -- "German for 'Holds together just long enough for you to graduate and get a real car.'" 3> "I'm lovin' it!" -- "A minimum-wage employee just had sex with your Quarter Pounder." 2> "Is it in you?" -- "If you can't tell, forget the Gatorade and get yourself a new boyfriend." 1> "99 44/100% pure" -- "C'mon, you're not going to let 66/100% of rat hair and feces keep you from buying our soap, are you?" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I'm sure both will have minders working hard to keep them apart," "So probably, the great clash of the titans, the rumble of the jungle -- whatever you want to call it -- is not going to happen." -- U.N. Deputy Secretary-General Mark Malloch Brown, on the possibility of US President Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad face off at United Nations General Assembly 09/2006 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- [[[[ Quotations ]]]]] "When was the last time you did something for the first time?" -- Colleen Francis 'Word to the wise: When a girl asks you if you like cats, just answer "Yes" or "No." Never respond, "Only for certain things."' -- Brad Osberg "No, 23 is old. It's almost 25, which is, like, almost mid twenties." -- Singer Jessica Simpson "I realize my addiction to new technology is out of control: I just bought a wireless bra." -- Lili VonSchtupp "When you go in search of honey you must expect to be stung by bees." -- Kenneth Kaunda "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde "We make hole in ears with gun." -- Advertising ear piercing in Mussoorie, India