When Diana found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diana and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!" VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv <> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. Phone answering machine message...."If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"(Brit speak for the # key) A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing clingfilm shorts. The shrink says "well, I can clearly see you're nuts" I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him #50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high" A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs". The doctor replied "I know, I've cut your arms off" I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says "I;m going to have to put him down". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy" What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? STILL no idea Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Hua. But I think it's Colin. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off You know, someone actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield. It said "Parking fine". So, that was nice wasn't it? A man walked into the doctor and said "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said "well, don't go there any more" Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2 seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night I slept like a log last night, woke up in the fireplace I walked into court, put my portfolio on a desk and said "I rest my case" VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over. The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm...I'm going to put you down for fifty-five." She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes me look old." VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv A young Englishman goes on a luxury pacific cruise. All is going well until one day the run into a terrible storm. The ship is tossed all over the place until eventually it sinks. Now the man manages to hold on to some floating debris, but unfortunately due to fatigue he soon passes out. When he awakes he is on the shore of a small island. He looks around and can only see washed up wreckage, however he then spots what seems to be a body. He runs over and is amazed to find that there, lying on the ground is Halle Berry! Well he brings her round and they start to contemplate their fate. Well after several days there is no sign of rescue, however the two are getting on very well. Soon their feelings run deep and they are making hot passionate love morning noon and night. Well one day the man is sitting down by the see looking very folorn. "Whats the matter?" asks Halle. "Well" replies the man "I miss my mates, going down the pub, playing football, havings a laugh, you know" "Oh darling" says Halle "tell you what, why don't I put on you're clothes and pretend to be one of your mates. I know it's not much but it may help you feel better". The man thinks about this and says "OK, call yourself John". So off goes Halle, changes into the man clothes and then come running back. "Wotcha mate!" she cries "John!" replies the man "How you doing? Hey listen to this, you'll never guess who I've been shagging!" VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Redneck Woman: "Fo'." Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?" Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and Dexter." Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child Dexter?" Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'." VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv The doctor shuffled Judi off into his office and closed the door. "I'm sorry," he said with a sad look on his face, "but your husband will never work again." Judi smiled. "Oh, I'll tell John! That'll make him happy!" VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv On the Tonight Show recently Fabio announced he was looking for his "dream woman." Fabio said, "I want someone who's funny, secure, independent, and has a good personality." Jay Leno replied, "What's really sad, Fabio, is the one woman in Hollywood who fits that criteria is Ellen DeGeneres." VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv "If President Reagan could be an actor and become president, maybe I could become an actor. I've got a good pension. I can work cheap." --Bill Clinton at a Hollywood fund-raiser. VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv "I got a wonderful tribute at the airport. They fired 21 shots in the air in my honor. Of course, it would've been nicer if they'd waited for the plane to land." --Bob Hope VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv "You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block a couple times." --Guy Owen