Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left. "All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after four hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep. "Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear. "Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't." [From RD] ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| A five-year-old lad was watching his mother change the baby. When she overlooked sprinkling the tot's backside with talcum powder and hurried him into his diaper, the five- year-old chimed in, "Hey, Mom, you forgot to salt him!" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama." ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| One day a couple of rabbits found themselves chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket and stood there for a moment, panting. "Well," one said to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here till we out number them?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| [[[ More Bumper Stickers ]]] Why don't bears eat clowns? Because they taste funny! Ha Ha Ha If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. I'll bet you I can stop gambling. Honk if you love peace and quiet. The meek shall inherit the earth... after we're through with it. Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten. Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf". I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember. Ever notice the grass is always greener over the septic tank? Death to all fanatics! I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize. Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Drilling for oil is boring. Always try to be modest... and be damn proud of it! Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back. I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Osama bin Laden is reportedly in failing medical health but is having difficulty finding medical care. A military spokesman in Afghanistan said bin Laden has been turned away from several hospitals because he was unable to provide proof of insurance. Al Qaida reportedly cancelled its group insurance plan recently due to rising premiums brought on by a high incident of death among suicide bombers ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly announced 'My husband is home! My husband is home!" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy female students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| A golfer swung his club and hooked the shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the wind- shield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, whereupon it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Racing over to the crash scene, he was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Have you any idea what this is going to cost?" the angry driver demanded. The golfer hung his head. "Four strokes", he replied. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. Q: Take a century and divide it into 50 million parts - what do you get? A: About a minute. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The reason US congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Warren Strange, a lawyer, died. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| New competition A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE' ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Seen on T-Shirts: (Worn by a pregnant woman): 'A Man Did This to Me.' (Seen on a baby's T-shirt:) 'Party - My Crib - Two A.M.' |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||