<> Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> Do insects sleep? "The one sure way to know if an animal is sleeping is to hook it up to a machine that measures electrical patterns in the brain. That's how we know that birds and mammals actually sleep. The problem with bugs is they don't have enough brains to hook the wires to. So we don't really know what they're doing. XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> A fellow employee was trying to hang a four-by-eight-foot poster on our cafeteria wall. When I saw him struggling, I walked over and offered my assistance. "No," he replied, "I can do it myself." After much solitary effort, his job was finished and the banner proudly proclaimed this message: "Together, we can find the answers." XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. “Who’s there?" shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat’s meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, “Who’s there?” “The other cat,” answered the prisoner. XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!" XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> Difference between Love and Marriage Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street. Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet. Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa. Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children. Love is going to bed early. Marriage is going to sleep early. Love is a romantic drive. Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac . Love is losing your appetite. Marriage is losing your figure. Love is sweet nothing in the ear. Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank. TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!". Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!" XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?” “Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.” XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> Little Pauly comes home with a note from the teacher and shows it to his mother. The note reads: "Paul is an intelligent little boy but spends too much time with girls." The following day Pauly goes to school with a note from his mother to the teacher that reads, "If you find a solution, please let me know. I have the same problem with his father." XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> A new Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her. At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought. Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!" XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked. “No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.” XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!" XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> And did you hear about the bishop who hired a secretary who had worked for the Government? She immediately changed his filing system to "Sacred" and "Top Sacred." XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> California Driving Test Answers The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too shit faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long. XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?" XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> The Top 5 Problems With Teaching a Dog to Drive 5> Whenever Rover picks up the keys you find yourself leaping off the couch and yelping excitedly. 4> Green means "Go." Red means "Stop." Cat means "Accelerate." 3> He keeps trying to lick the car's ball joints. 2> *Always* falls for the fake lane change. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Problem With Teaching a Dog to Drive... 1> Insists on air fresheners that smell like dog ass. XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX XYX <> "Women are hard to figure out. They love lingerie and they love garage sales, but they don't seem to like getting garage-sale lingerie as a gift." -- Brad Osberg "You've done a nice job decorating the White House." -- Jessica Simpson, to US Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, on a White house tour. "If I ever won the lottery, I would give it all to charity: The Tom Sims Foundation for the betterment of Tom Sims." -- Tom Sims 'Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.' --Unknown, presumed deceased 'Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."' --Author Unknown "The fire of God's love burns out the sin the same way the hot steam routs the dirt out of your pores." - From Teen Bible Revolve - intended to aappeal to teen girls "Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly." -- Arnold Edinborough "He is the man who has been brought on to replace Pavel Nedved, the irreplaceable Pavel Nedved." -- Sportscaster Clyde Tyldesley