A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber"? XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Q: What does a woman of 60 have between her breasts that a woman of 20 doesn't? A: A belly-button! Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers? A: They have two left feet. Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer? A: All the information you want, except you can't understand it. [[From RD]] Q: Name the first thing you take off after work? A: Underwear. Q: Name something flies that doesn't have an engine? A: A bicycle with wings. [[ From Fast Money Round ]] XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX [Comments from Hospital Records ] 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. [Luckily I do not need to go to the hospitals often, especially the US ones.] XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Generic name In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, & so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin." Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin. XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX A college student at a recent Carolina football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said ... loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars,computers with light-speed processing, and, uh ..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little shit! Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation??" XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Three truck drivers die and got to meet St. Peter for admittance. St. Peter asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a good man. God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor. St. Peter asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied, "Oh no, I would never do any such thing." God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X. St. Peter then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He explained that as much as he regretted it he had falsified his log book, and taken some little white pills because there was the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that he had ever seen. At this point, St. Peter pressed a button and the first two drivers fell through a hole that opened under them. The third driver, startled, asked, "What happens now?" St. Peter said, "Well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are going to Dallas." XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Leah is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband Mark in the bedroom, swearing up a storm and using every bad word in the book. She runs into the bedroom to see what is going on and finds Mark just sitting on the bed. She asks him, "Honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?" Mark looks up and replies, "No, I'm fine. I'm just practicing." Leah gets a real confused look on her face and said, "Practicing? Practicing for what?" Mark says, "For the first time in a long time, I'm going golfing tomorrow!" XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Barbara de Angelis, bestselling author of "Making Relationships Work" and other books on how to have a successful relationship. Apparently, she doesn't follow her own advice. She has been married five times (once, ironically, to another relationship guru - John Gray, author of "Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"). XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated. "Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer. "No.... "It's my ball." XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em. XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away. XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he'd had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you, why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough." XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX "Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50." -- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Leetterman, The Book (Villard) XIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIXXIX "In books lies the soul of the whole past time." -- Thomas Carlyle "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -— Mitch Ratcliffe "God made the integers, all else is the work of man." -- Leopold Kronecker "The most I ever did for you was to outlive you. But that is much." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay "One man who has a mind and knows it, can always beat ten men who haven't and don't." -- George Bernard Shaw "All great theorems were discovered after midnight." -- Adrian Mathesis "A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it." -- Rabindranath Tagore "No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not." -- H. L. Mencken "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." -- Rudyard Kipling "Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. The third is to be kind." -- Henry James