American Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Sarah says, "Can you please jack off? I have a headache." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Student: "How long do you want this report to be?" Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper much like a lady's skirt...long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to make it interesting." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Everyone seems to be wondering why Middle East terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now: No television. No cappuccino No Wal-Mart or K-Mart. No cheerleaders. No baseball. No football. No golf. No tailgate parties. No pork BBQ. No hot dogs. No burgers. No bubble tea. No lobster. No shellfish,! or even frozen fish sticks. No sushi. No margarita. No jambalaya. More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?) Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. No mini skirts. No chocolate chip cookies. No After Christmas Super sale. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave Your bride is picked by someone else. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ As we all know the math scores of US high school students have been on the decline for years. The following may be the reason why. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit? A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit? A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night. Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!". ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Q & A to insult pretty much every one ] Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog. A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A. Homeless. Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? A. An elephant with diarrhea. Q: What do you call a blind rabbit sitting on your face? A: An unsightly-facial-hare. Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned. Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world? A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A. Even the pool table has no balls. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" "Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The doctor was explaining the unique case of the man who baffles medical science. "To all medical knowledge the man was dead," he explained. "Yet we buried him twice." "When did you know he was really dead?" "When he canceled his subscription to Playboy." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Economists are pessimists: they've predicted 8 of the last 3 depressions" -- Barry Asmus "Yet in this global economy, no jobs are safe. High-speed Internet connections and low-cost, skilled labor overseas are an explosive combination." -- Bob Taft "It is virtually impossible to compete in today's global economy without a college degree." -- Bobby Scott "My dog is worried about the economy since his food is now up to ninety-nine cents a can. That's almost seven dollars in dog money." -- Anon "Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." -- Sam Ewing "In economics, the majority is always wrong." -- John Kenneth Galbraith "To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger "Economy is how to spend money without enjoying it" -- Anon "Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship." -- Benjamin Franklin ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Cows with Guns - A modern story of revolution http://www.3dweb.no/galleri/stuestolbm/bilder/anim1.swf