[[ Rated: G ]] "I don't believe it!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself in the men's room. "I began this diet last week, but the scale says I'm heavier. Here, Norm, hold my jacket....It still says I'm heavier. Here, hold my chocolate bar....." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: G ]] I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: PG ]] A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice? "She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor," said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: PG ]] <<< Bumper Stickers of Love & Marriage >>> I am the speaker of the house. My husband is the listener. I am not a bum, my wife works. My wife said I should be more affectionate... so I got two girlfriends. A man is incomplete until he's married... then he's finished. My other wife is beautiful. My wife's other car is a broom. Not all husbands are annoying? Some are dead. Love is Grand? Divorce is Twenty Grand. Married men don't live longer than single men, it just seems longer. I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Foolish Man give Wife grand piano. Wise Man give Wife upright organ. I got this motor home for my wife. Best trade I ever made! Missing: Husband And Dog. $100 Reward For Dog. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: PG ]] One day at the family reunion my grandparents were reminiscing. My grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them." Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them faint!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: PG ]] How to Install a Home Security System in the South 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo and your NRA magazines. 3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny and I went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Rufus took part in it, but I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: G ]] Patient A: How do you like the book? Patient B: It is great, very direct and concise. There are not many jargons, not too much sentiment. There is no propaganda, or redundancy. The only shortfall: there are too many characters. Nurse: Put that phone book back. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: G ]] The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: G ]] Did you know PINEAPPLE (Ananas comosus) A native of the Americas, the pineapple was named pina by the Spanish because of the fruit's obvious resemblance to a pinecone. A pinecone wearing a crown, to be sure. A sweet juicy tropical delight, the pineapple is a member of the bromeliad family. This grouping of plants is almost entirely American and features both wet and dry-thriving examples, many of which have spiny leaves. The pineapple is a native of Brazil and neighboring Paraguay and has been cultivated for thousands of years. The Tupi-Guarani tribes carried the plant throughout the tropics of the American continent. In Peru the pineapple as decorative design was a theme on ancient pottery. By the 15th century the plant was also established in the West Indies. Actually sampled by Christopher Columbus and his crew on the West Indian island of Guadeloupe on November 4, 1493, the pineapple was prized by the local Carib Indians who supposedly indicated welcome to friends by hanging pineapples above their dwelling places. A somewhat different signal was sent to their enemies -- the Carib fortified their villages with spiky, pineapple hedges. The pineapple didn't reach Hawaii until 1813, brought there by a Spaniard. But the Hawaiian pineapple business didn't take off until about 1902. By the 1950's Hawaii was supplying 3/4 of the world's supply of pineapple, most of it canned. These days the big pineapple powers, Dole and Heinz, can no pineapple in Hawaii, though they still ship fresh pineapple. Their canning suppliers are in Thailand, the Philippines and Kenya. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: G ]] One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world." The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: G ]] On the first day of a semester, Professor Artman, clad in his usual flannel shirt, work pants, and boots, was cleaning the blackboard. Two freshmen entered his classroom and took seats. After he finished and without saying a word, Artman proceeded to write out a series of equations for his upcoming class. One student looked at the other and said, "Wow, this is a tough school! Look, even the janitor knows calculus." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: PG ]] A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ [[ Rated: PG ]] <<< Random Quotes >>> "They say a dog is man's best friend and diamonds are a girl's best friend. I guess that would explain the matching diamond-studded dog collars we got as a wedding gift." -- Kim Moser "My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state...." -- Gray Davis, California State Governor "We had another round of layoffs at work today, but I wasn't among them. I don't understand why not, as I've been wearing a "Pick me! Pick me!" T-shirt for months." -- Jenn McNanna "Our nature consists in movement; absolute rest is death." -- Pensees. 1670. "I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive." -- Johnny Carson "I don't know why some people don't believe in sex before marriage. If you ask me, it's a hell of a lot more believable than sex AFTER marriage!" -- Scott E. Frank "Remember: No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, you can always cheer yourself up by scaring the daylights out of the cat with the vacuum cleaner." -- Tom Sims "The groundwork of all happiness is health." -- Leigh Hunt, The indicator "Money may buy the husk of things, but not the kernel. It brings you food but not appetite, medicine but not health, acquaintances but not friends, servants but not faithfulness, days of joy but not peace or happiness." -- Henrik Ibsen "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.?-- Groucho Marx "Times affect us just as places; we live equally in them both; we are surrounded by them, they touch us, fashion us, leave always some impression on us. Unhealthy places and decadent times infect us by their contagion." -- Joubert "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown