A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A tour bus full of loud, obnoxious people arrived at Runnymeade, England. They got off the bus and gathered around the guide who patiently waited for them to shut up. Then he said, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." Complete boredom on the tourist's faces. The guide asked, "Are there any questions." One man in the back hollered, "Yeah, when did that happen?" "1215," replied the guide. The man in the back glanced at his watch and said, "Dang. Just missed it by a half hour." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% After James E. McGreevy, Governor of New Jersey announced resignation for gay affair, he suddenly becomes a piece of good material, for comedians. Will the last person to leave the State please close the closet. NJ has changed fron "The Garden State" to "The Fruit State" and the State bird is now the swallow. [Written by Dr. EOK ] %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom. This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side. The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bath- room. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [The ALL wisdom ] All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney All general statements are false; think about it. All generalizations are false, including this one. All generalizations are useless, including this one. All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start! All great discoveries are made by mistake All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. All things being equal, all things are never equal. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. All work and no play, will make you a Vice President. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Delta Airlines will now add $25 extra for luggage over 50 pounds. You can understand the surcharge from the baggage handler's perspective. A heavy item is much more difficult to lift and put on the wrong plane. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "In Singapore, an Indian passenger was detained for hours after another traveler thought he had described himself as a 'Bosnian terrorist'. In fact, the man had said he was a 'bass guitarist'." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "The reason there are two senators for each (US) state is so that one can be designated driver." --Jay Leno %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity." --G. K. Chesterton %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "I asked this one girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said, 'Then go out with him'" --Dom Irrera %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." -- Winston Churchill %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "The average man does not want to be free. He simply wants to be safe." -- H. L. Mencken: