[[ Late Summer All G rated Edition (PS Animals & Kids Friendly) ]] A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disappointed. The first person turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good. )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( If you're going to work here, young man," said the boss, "one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." "And another thing, we are very keen on truthfulness. There is no mat." )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( I was walking across the parking lot at the store the other day when a woman walked up to me and asked for directions to the post office. I gladly gave her the best directions possible, and she was grateful. Maybe a little too grateful. As she thanked me, it was almost in the same breath that she began witnessing to me, asking if I knew the Lord: Lady: Do you know the Lord? Me: Not personally. Lady: (cutting me off) Do you believe He is our one true Savior? Will you dwell in the Lord's house in Heaven in your afterlife? Me: I'd like to think so. Lady: Well, would you come to church with me this Sunday and let me show you the road to eternal salvation and the gates of Heaven? Me: No, I don't think so, thanks. Lady: (taken aback) Well, why not? Me: Lady, you guys can't even find the post office! )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them." )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? To keep the smart ones from going home. )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( One day a mouse was walking on the banks of a river that ran through the jungle. He saw a hippopotamus in the water and shouted to the Hippopotamus, "Hey you, come out of the water onto this bank, NOW". The Hippopotamus lumbered onto the bank as requested. The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back in the water now" The mouse continued walking along the bank until he came upon a lion having a little dip in the river. The mouse shouted across to the lion, "Hey you, up here, on this bank now!" The lion was a little concerned about this 'jumped up' mouse giving him orders but he complied and climbed up onto the bank. The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back into the water now." The lion shrugged and returned to the river. The mouse continued his trip along the banks of the river until he came across an elephant having a good old soak. The mouse shouted to the elephant. "Hey you, Mr. Elephant, up here on this bank now!" The elephant lumbered out the water and was then told by the mouse to return to the water. The elephant however was a little bit annoyed about having his soak disturbed so he said to the mouse, "What is going on? I've just seen you call the hippopotamus, the lion and now me out of the water, why are you doing this?" The mouse replied, "When I find out who stole my swimming trunks, I will smack him!" )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and the credit card issuer billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A call was placed to the bank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Bank: "Excuse me?" Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being dead?" Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone: Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Bank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given) After they get the fax: Bank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "Would you like her new billing address?" Bank: "That might help." Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69." Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?" End of story (in more ways than one ) --- )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring!" )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( At a recent dinner party, one of the guests, a particularly obnoxious male guest, who was overly impressed with his financial status and bragged about it to anyone who would listen, tried to make some clever remarks. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked, and thinking he was being witty, asked loudly, "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting at the table, commented quietly, "That depends, which end of the fork are you referring to?" )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said. "Well, Reverend", the farmer replied, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay." )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( US President Bush made a speech about homeland security in front of Mount Rushmore. There was one awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and said, "Which one is President Rushmore?" )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( A drunk gets on a transit bus and fumbles in his pocket for change. The bus driver, getting impatient, decides to drive off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front. "Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!" The drunk, reeling, shouts back, "Why should I?!..... I walked all the way!" )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( )( | )( [[ History Quotes ]] "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." -- Terry Venables "The past is really almost as much a work of the imagination as the future." -- Jessamyn West "Wars usually have the effect of speeding up the process of history." --Pieter Geyl, Debates With Historians "If you want to understand today, you have to search yesterday." -- Pearl Buck "Perhaps nobody has changed the course of history as much as the historians." --Franklin P. Jones "History is herstory, too." -- Author Unknown "History: gossip well told." -- Elbert Hubbard, The Roycroft Dictionary "History is the sum total of the things that could have been avoided." -- Konrad Adenauer "Isn't it amazing the way the future succeeds in creating an appropriate past" -- John Leonard "Every age has a keyhole to which its eye is pasted." -- Mary McCarthy, On the Contrary "Radical historians now the tell the story of Thanksgiving from the point of view of the turkey." -- Mason Cooley "History is written by the winners." -- Alex Haley