In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking. "Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?" I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'" ********************************************** [More Questions to Ponder] . Can you cry under water? . If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? . If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? . Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? . Why does a round pizza come in a square box? . How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? . Why is it that people say they ''slept like a baby'' when babies wake-up about every two hours? . How important does a person have to be before! he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered? . Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? . How come we choose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America? . If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? . I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I would not have signed up in the first place! . Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ''Ctrl Alt Delete'' and start all over? . Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. . Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. (Thanks to Barb) ********************************************** A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory." ********************************************** I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put the gear in park?" ********************************************** A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean?" asked the guy. "Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it; and then, for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!" ********************************************** Cody got separated from the Dairy at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" Cody replied, "Beer and women with big breasts". ********************************************** On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?" "I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity." ********************************************** On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them." ********************************************** One elderly male called 911 and reported, "There's a woman ver here doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis." "Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?" "Nothing," the guy said, "But if she keeps bending over the way she is, I will be having a heart attack within the next 10 minutes, so I just wanted to alert you to sending an ambulance for me." ********************************************** [Old Jokes] Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." ----------- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ----------- You know you are getting older when everything either dries up or leaks. ----------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ----------- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ----------- First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ----------- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ********************************************** "Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment." --Ira Gassen ********************************************** "Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it." --Mark Twain ********************************************** "Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome." --Winston Churchill ********************************************** "Both President Bush and John Kerry campaigned in Davenport, Iowa, just a few blocks away from each other. This allowed voters the chance of getting scared to death or bored to death." -- Conan O'Brien ********************************************** "It is always the heart that sees, before the head can see." -- Thomas Carlyle