Little Johnny's mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," he replied. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," replied little Johnny, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A scientist, showing slides of the Grand Canyon, explained, "It took two hundred million years to make this." A man in the audience said, "Was it a government project?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [[Gate Sale ]] Nice old stuff, interesting new stuff, and other stuff - even some free stuff. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. "With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $3 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$3 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?" "Yes," she said, "It's our special just for today." "Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails." "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster." "Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?" "No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster." "Big red lobster tails, $3 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're definitely today's." "Today's big red lobster tails - $3 each?" he repeated, astounded. "Yes," she insisted. "Well, here's my three dollars," he said, "I'll take one." She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young,Urban,Professional,Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist. The second guy says I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No Kid The third guy says, I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban,Biker. They turn to the woman and ask her, What are you? She replies: I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc..... A second girl answers their question before they even ask it: She replies,I'm a BITCH. What exactly is a BITCH?!?, they ask in unison. Babe In Total Control of Herself So ladies, next time somebody calls you Bitch........SMILE...and say......Thank You!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ IQ Quizz How smart are you???? Take this quiz, if you dare, and see! Most answers are numeric, that is 1, 45, 72, etc. Scoring is as follows: Correct Answers Rating 11 Genius 9-10 Above Normal 6-8 Normal 3-5 Slow 1-2 Idiot 0 Brain dead 1. Do they have a fourth of July in England? Yes No 2. How many birth days does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 4. In baseball, how many outs are there in an inning? 5. Can a California man legally marry his widow's sister? Yes No 6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 9. A farmer has 17 sheep standing in a field and all but 9 drop down and die. How many sheep are left standing? 10. How many members of each animal did Moses take on the ark? 11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? [[Scroll down for answers. You will be surprised how dumb you could be.]] $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "So, Quincy, how do you like your new mother?" a newly remarried father asks his little son. "You know, Daddy," the boy replies sadly, "I think they fooled us; she does't look new at all!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Parental FAQ - II Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Game Show Host: Which mathematician said: "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible?" Contestant: Mel Gibson. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of a Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ One day there was a man who rushed into the emergency room and hollered ... "NURSE!! NURSE!! I THINK I'M SHRINKING!!" The nurse calmly replied: "Okay, calm down and be a little patient!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Intelligence Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ {{{Solution to IQ Quizz }}} 1. Yes, of course they have it, they just don't celebrate it 2. You are only born once 3. All of them have 28, some just have more 4. 6 5. No, he's dead! 6. 70 7. 2 8. 60 minutes 9. 9 10. 0 Moses didn't have an ark, that was Noah 11. meat $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, "It's hard to tell by the ears." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [[[Money, money, money, always funny]] "With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well too." -- Yiddish Proverb "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." -- Oscar Wilde "Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game." -- Donald Trump "The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket." -- Kin Hubbard "Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy." -- Spike Milligan "The fundamental problem with being poor is that you don't have enough money." -- Arthur Levine, President of the Teachers College at Columbia Univ. "One must choose, in life, between making money and spending it. There's no time to do both." -- Edouard Bourdet "There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody. " -- Adlai Stevenson "Money is to my social existence what health is to my body." -- Mason Cooley "If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around." -- Christina Stead "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason "A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart." -- Jonathan Swift "The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any." -- Katharine Whitehorn "A moderate addiction to money may not always be hurtful; but when taken in excess it is nearly always bad for the health." -- Clarence Day "Money is time. With money I buy for cheerful use the hours which otherwise would not in any sense be mine." -- George Gissing "Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle." -- Ken Hakuta "The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it." -- Edith Wharton