[[Life before computers]] Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a Apple Computer ..... you are just too proud to show your friends. +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!" +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ As I mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes a suspicion, not proof to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you have finished. I've learned that people you care most about in life are taking from you too soon, and the less important ones never go away. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. Pass this along to 5 friends. Trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, something good may happen. If not, tough shit! +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ A young tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages. "Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here" "How long is that?" asks the girl. "About three hundred years......." +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ A very small boy was in New York City for the first time. His father took him on an elevator to the top of Empire State Building. After they had shot skyward thirty stories at breathtaking speed, the little boy asked timidly, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?" +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ A older southern woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied. +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ It turns out the US Army fired 4-star General Kevin Byrnes because he was having an extramarital affair with a civilian. 2 1/2 years of occupying Iraq and that's the invasion the Army calls illegal? +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ [[Why it's great to be a man ]] 1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work, more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding dress $2,000.00; Tux rental $100.00 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen 15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 17. One mood, all the damn time. 18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ "Amen" is the same in more languages than any other word. "Taxi" is the second. +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are having sex with a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said," "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'" +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ [[Only in US]] Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he felt really stupid, huh??? +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ 1975 vs. 2005 This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it... 1975: Long hair 2005: Longing for hair 1975: KEG 2005: EKG 1975: Acid rock 2005: Acid reflux 1975: Moving to California because it's cool 2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1975: Hoping for a BMW 2005: Hoping for a BM 1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2005: Receiving a new hip joint 1975: Rolling Stones 2005: Kidney Stones 1975: Being called into the principal's office 2005: Calling the principal's office 1975: Screw the system 2005: Upgrade the system 1975: Disco 2005: Costco 1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1975: Passing the drivers' test 2005: Passing the vision test 1975: Whatever 2005: Depends +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ A young uneducated man applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies. One asked, "How’d it go?" The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials. So I unzipped and showed ‘em and she freaked. There went da job....." +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ According to the National Sleep Foundation in US, 75% of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random sample of 1,506 adults who were called in the middle of the night. (From Reader's Digest) +++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++===++++====++++====++++====++++====++++ [[ Stupid Sports Quotes - Part II ]] "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." -- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on thee Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'" -- Pitcher Joaquin Andujar "I am the most loyal player money can buy." --Don Sutton, Pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Houston Astros, Milwaukee Brewers, Oakland Athletics and California Angels "Anybody see a flaw in my swing? Or is there a swing in my flaw?" -- US President George Bush, while golfing "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" -- Murray Walker "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." -- "Yogi" Berra "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" -- Alan Minter "Play some Picasso." -- Former New Jersey Net Chris Morris, to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to impress a date. "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hhooking up again with promoter Don King "He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too." -- Don King, boxing promoter. "The NFL, like life, is full of idiots." -- Randy Cross, football color commentator. "Fear was absolutely necessary. Without it, I would have been scared to death." -- Floyd Patterson, former heavyweight boxiing champion.