<> Passenger: Say, this is the worst steak I've ever had. Don't you flight attendants even know how to serve a steak? Bring me another steak right now! Flight attendant: Will that be to take out? (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> I pulled into a rura town I couldn't believe still existed in 2005. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?" He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fcuk." I said, "What do you hunt?" He said, "Somethin' to fcuk." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> My baby-sitter knows not to bring my one-year-old daughter, Ami, into the supermarket where I work. One glimpse of me at the checkout counter and Ami will scream until she's in my arms. But one day, with the fridge empty, Maxine had no choice. And, as predicted, when my daughter spotted me, her wailing could be heard throughout the entire store. Unsure what to do, I just smiled and continued scanning a customer's groceries. "That's right, honey," said the woman I was waiting on. "You just keep smiling and thank God she's not yours." (From Reader's Digest) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> A cute little girl comes running down the street looking for a cop. She finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me - my father's in a fight. "Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe! After a while, the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father." The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you shut up, I'm trying to take a dump!" (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> At a US college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!" "I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college." "What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded. "I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?" The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?" The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case." "Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> Nina and Jill were talking. Nina said, "I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, 'What do I do if he cries?' She said, 'Give him some vegetables.' It turns out that jalapeno pepper is not his favorite." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> [[ Actual headlines in newspaper ]] Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Woman Improving After Fatal Crash Deer Kill 17,328 New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> While she was "flying" down the road 10 miles over the limit, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch until it's about 6 feet wide." "Yeah, right. And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said: "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE - YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, IS THAT RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to Look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied: "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story. We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?" My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, Your Honor." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River." (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> Letters to GOD 1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda 2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce 3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet 4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison 5. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene 6. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita 7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy 8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water,too. Glenn 9. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis 10. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan 11. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma 12. Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer 13. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter 14. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry 15. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> 80% of the deaths that occur in US casinos are caused by 'sudden heart attack'. (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40 gun. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Upbeat or oppressed? What inspired him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click..... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?" (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> The fastest dogs in US are in Alaska. The trees are really far apart... (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) <> "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." -- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State baskeetball player "We're going to turn this team around three hundred sixty degree." -- Jason Kidd, NJ Nets player "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." -- Tony Crozier "The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I don't know what that is." -- Yankee outfielder Louos Polonia "I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." -- Mike Tyson, Boxer "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter, I am amphibious." -- Charles Shackleford, NCSU basketball plaayer "I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it." -- Football coach Ray Malavasi "We've got to find a way to win. I'm willing to start cheating." -- New England tight end Marv Cook. "I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player." -- John Kruk "There's three things you can do in a baseball game - you can win, you can lose, or it can rain." -- Charles 'Casey' Stengel "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" -- Greg Norman, Golfer "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," -- Joe Jacoby of the Skins "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." -- Matt Millen, Raiders player "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." -- US President Gerald Ford "You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -- Bill Peterson, Florida State football cooach