<<{Rated: G }>> Overheard in New York 4-year-old-boy: Watergun, Watergun, Watergun, Watergun. Chick: I think the only word that kid knows is Watergun. Mother: No, he knows all kinds of things. Mother's Friend: Yeah, he is smart. Boy: Watergun. ----- ----- ------ ----- ------ ----- A: "Are you going to the Stones concert?" asked one. B: "Are you kidding?" said the other. "My parents are going to be there." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: PG }>> A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $1000." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $50 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Ads should be proof-read For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Great Dames for sale. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Sam applied for a job at a construction firm. "We take turns making coffee," said the supervisor. "Can you make coffee?" "I sure can," said Sam. "Can you drive a forklift?" "Why, how big is the coffee maker?" (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> One morning Ted and Al went fishing. Before long Al had caught twenty fish while Ted had caught nothing. The next day came, and with the same results Ted caught nothing. On the third day Ted decided to fish by himself. He got up early and snuck out to the river. Dropping his line into the water, immediately he felt a tug. When he yanked it up, there was a note attached to it that said, "Where's Al?" (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: PG }>> Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker 13. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> A hunter returned from an outing and proudly announced that he shot an elk. "How do you know it was an elk?" his wife asked. The husband replied, "By his membership card." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> T.G.I.F. defined The Names of our months are derived from Roman names. The First six months are named after gods (Janus, Mars, Aprilis, Maia, and Juno), or festivals (Februa), the next two months are named after emperors (Julius and Augustus), and the last four are simply the Latin names for seven, eight, nine, and ten (septem, octo, novem, and decem). Only three Roman names remain for our days of the week: Saturday (Saturn's Day), Sunday (Sun's Day), and Monday (Moon's Day). The rest are named after gods in Norse mythology: Tiu, the god of war (Tiu's Day), Wodin, the supreme deity (Wodin's Day), Thor the god of thunder (Thor's Day), and Frigg, the wife of Wodin (Frigg's Day). So when you see, or say, T.G.I.F you are thanking the 'frigging' Norse gods. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Boy: Papa, do I have to eat my broccoli? Papa: Yes, it will put color in your cheeks. Boy: Who wants green cheeks? (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: PG }>> Then there was the man who did go to see a psychiatrist and recounted a horrible nightmare. "My mother-in-law was chasing me with a bloodthirsty crocodile on a leash. It was terrifying. I saw the yellow eyes, the dry scaly dkin, and the decaying razor- sharp teeth, and I smelled the foul breath." "Sounds disgusting," agreed the shrink. "Yes," replied the man, "but wait till I tell you about the crocodile." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> A woman was having a medical problem...her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?" (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Memo Memo from Director General to Manager: Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. Memo from Manager to Department Head: Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day. Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you. Memo from Supervisor to staff: Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Joe: I love to drive to the seaside and the mountains with my girlfriend. What about you? Dan: I love to drive my mother-in-law to the airport. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!" (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: PG }>> A nurse brought a beautiful brown-skinned baby into the waiting room and asked the only man pacing, "Is this baby yours?" The man said, "It must be. My wife burns everything." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Why was the archeologist depressed? His career was in ruins. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why?... So he can make a new hole....! (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> A robbery suspect gave authorities a bit of help when he fled the scene of a noon holdup at People's Bank of North Alabama: He left his personal bankbook. James Danny Lancaster, 64, of Cullman, was charged with first-degree robbery and remained in Morgan County Jail Tuesday on a $10,000 bond. Information in the bankbook put investigators on Lancaster's trail. He was arrested less than 90 minutes after the holdup. When an officer stopped Lancaster's car, police could see money bound by "Peoples Bank" bands inside it, officers said. {{ From AP News 08/01/06 }} (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> Walk in the fields The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with toolchest, on the front doorstep. "Lady," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner!" The man replied, "I know. Your neighbor did." (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!" (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: G }>> After a long and serious operation, Cassy ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Bill came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news. "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Bill in a quiet somber voice. Bill looked at Cassy and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 47." "35," came the weak reply from Cassy. (=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=)(=) <<{Rated: PG }>> [[Politics, Politics.]] "The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'." -- Larry Hardiman "The entitlement cards will not be compulsory, but every one will have to have one." -- British deputy prime minister John Prescott "Diplomacy without arms is like music without instruments." -- Frederick the Great "It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required." -- Sir Winston Churchill "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. " -- George Bush "Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word." -- Charles De Gaulle "I think we agree, the past is over. " -- George W. Bush, US President "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." -- Bill Clinton "There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." -- Henry Kissinger "My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." -- Benjamin Disraeli "Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form." -- Karl Marx "Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects. " -- Lester B. Pearson, former Canadian Priime Minister "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -- Gerald R. Ford "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee." -- Abraham Lincoln "I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end." -- Margaret Thatcher