<> She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. "Look!" she said to her husband. "I want something that goes from 0 to 180 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since. *********************************************************************************** <> After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband "Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?" "Yes, she's dead to!" *********************************************************************************** <> [[8 things women won't say ]] 8. What do you mean today's our anniversary? 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big! 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends' 4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 2. I don't care if it's on sale, $1000 is way to much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger! *********************************************************************************** <> Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has e verything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So that's what Joe did. The next day at the bar, his buddy said, "Well, did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said Joe. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!" *********************************************************************************** <> One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our female employees flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?" I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive. "Oh, you mean the condom!" "Condom???" "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses" By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead- serious voice: "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?" *********************************************************************************** <> A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how unusual, for $100 under one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out the money, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house." *********************************************************************************** <> "Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed so they felt Grumpy instead....." *********************************************************************************** <> What's a definition of a gynecologist? Gynecologist is a person who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure. *********************************************************************************** <> 10 things men know about women: ------------------------------- 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8: 9: 10: They have breasts *********************************************************************************** <> Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked Homer: "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?" Homer scratched his head for a bit then said: "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even" *********************************************************************************** <> Do you know why many women are called housekeepers?..... After the divorce they keep the house. *********************************************************************************** <> [[ A Woman's bedside prayer]] Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep; One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen. *********************************************************************************** <> A pregnant lady was travelling on a bus. The man opposite her stared and laughed at her. The embarassed lady moved herself to the next seat. Then the man burst with laughter. She went to Court and sued him for damages. In his defense, the man told the Judge, "My Lord! If you were in my place, you would have done the same thing." The judge, for the sake of the case, got on the bus, at the same stop, and the scene was reinacted. The Judge could not control his laughter and dismissed the case. The advertisement display board above the first seat for a shaving stick soap Company read, "Williams stick did the trick." The advertisement display board above the second seat for Dunlop Tyre Company read, "Rubber Goods would have saved the trouble." *********************************************************************************** <> A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fxxk you everytime!" *********************************************************************************** <> [[[Quotes with no particular value for your Toastmasters speeches ]]] "When a man's best friend is a dog, that dog has a problem" -- Edward Abbey "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -- Edgar Bergen "It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married." -- Anon "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns "Parents are the only people who should not have children." -- Anon "A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." -- Fats Domino "If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness." -- Jack Handey "A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice." -- Bill Cosby "Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." -- Groucho Marx "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." -- W. C. Fields "An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh." -- Unknown