A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said a teacher. One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Rules that guys wished girls knew.......... 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports or fishing. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Don't mess with chidren A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute" ____________________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." _____________________________________________________ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. ! ; She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Just after classes resumed from Christmas break, a young girl was telling her teacher what she had received from Santa. "Me got a Barbie from Santa", said the little girl. "I got a Barbie from Santa", the teacher corrected. "Me too!" replied the child. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, keep calm. Don't panic. Listen carefully! Reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight? Cessna: "Uh, um, tower, I am parked on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way." [Borrowed from Reader's Digest.] $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Living in a three-generation household can present problems, especially when granddad, dad and grandson all answer to the same name. The mother answers the phone thusly: "Which one do you wish to speak to? Jim the father, Jim the son, or Jim the holy terror?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'" -- Penelope Lombard $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable." -- Madeleine L'Engle $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier." -- James Dent $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed." -- Henrik Ibsen