Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down) Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not *that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Do you mean to tell my your whole family was shocked and surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?" "That's right." "But if he was ninety-five-years-old, why was everybody surprised." "Because his parachute didn't open." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Universal Things women want (according to a magazine article): -- compliment -- chocolate -- new shoes -- dream wedding -- me XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Overheard at an auction sale: "Sold to the lady with her husband's hand over her mouth." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Which of the following is the most intelligent? 1. chimpanzee 2. gorilla 3. baboon 4. monkey Scroll down for the answer..... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git" Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? Dog: "Doin' alright" Villager: (Look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play" Villager: (Look of disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think" Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements" Villager: (Total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep is a bloody liar!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church. "I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term. "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?" The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail." The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?" "Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench." The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam: "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" "Can you hear me NOW?" "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" "God, Now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all... "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there." The doc said he was feeling for lumps. I told him if he finds one it's my tonsils! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Two Iraqi mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18, she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A plane was taking off from New York Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth anduneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY!...." Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Which of the following is the most intelligent? A: In general, chimpanzees are the most intelligent among the 'monkeys'. Biologically speaking, only Chimp and gorilla are classified in Family Hominidae, same with human. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Men's English: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry. 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy. 3. I am tired = I am tired. 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage. 5. I love you = Let's have sex now. 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay. Women's English: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want... 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble. 7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not. 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later. 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?" I replied, perhaps a bit too quickly... "Sin?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX [[[Reputation Quotes]]] "You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." -- Henry Ford "Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom." -- Euripides "To disregard what the world thinks of us is not only arrogant but utterly shameless. " -- Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero) "Reputation is but a synonyme of popularity: dependent on suffrage, to be increased or diminished at the will of the voters. " -- Anna Jameson "Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." -- Henry Kissinger "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." -- William Shakespeare "Reputation is rarely proportioned to virtue. " -- St. Evermond "It is easier for a woman to defend her virtue against men than her reputation against women. " -- anon "Never make negative comments or spread rumors about anyone. It depreciates their reputation and yours." -- Brian Koslow "Silence and reserve will give anyone a reputation for wisdom." -- Myrtle Reed "It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently." -- Warren Buffett "Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." -- Abraham Lincoln