[Rated: G]

Seymour was riding his new bike down the street when he knocked over an old woman.

"You stupid, idiotic boy!" fumed the woman as she struggled to her feet. "Don't you know how 
to ride a bike?"

"Of course I do," replied Seymour. "I just don't know how to ring the bell."


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><


[Rated: PG]

Yesterday Nancy's son, Frankie, came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good 
news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."

Nancy said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"

Frankie said, "They were pedestrians." 


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]

<I don't recall sending the 2004 version out. If I did, I apologize and I should get a quarter
 of the award myself. >


2004 Darwin Awards

You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the 
"gene pool" the most service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. 
Last Year's winner was the fellow who attempted to wash his own 'balls' in a ball washer 
at the local golf course?

As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are?
__________________________________________________

According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a
head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their 
Snowmobiles.


In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head 
first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged 
off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.


Buxton, NC: Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the 
wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it 
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used 
their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but 
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him 
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell, face first through the ceiling of 
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in 
his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in 
January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not 
penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.


Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who 
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 
HONORABLE MENTION:
In Guthrie, Ok, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber 
rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the 
head, fracturing his skull.


In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, 
declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first 
and second floors of his house.

 
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, 
when a quarter stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored 
couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently 
failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a 
person who had bungee jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The 
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. 
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay 
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the 
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He 
miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.


AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 
22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up 
pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]


The sermon was very long this Sunday morning and little Donny was getting more restless by 
the minute.

Suddenly, in a whisper too loud for his mother's comfort, he blurted out, "If we give him 
the money now, Ma, will he let us go out?" 


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]

A judge noticing that the witness on the stand seemed quite distressed, asked him what was wrong. 
"Well your Honor, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but 
everytime I try to do so, one of these lawyers objects!" 


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.  He noticed a guy at 
the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went 
below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took 
out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep 
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, 
you moron!"


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]


A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He 
wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very 
small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin. 


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]


Paris, July 7, 2005 - AP and UPI reported that the French government has raised its terror alert 
level from RUN to HIDE on their four level danger scale.

The two higher French danger levels are COLLABORATE and SURRENDER.

The rise was precipitated by a fire yesterday which destroyed France's white flag factory, 
effectively paralyzing their military, according to informed sources.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked 
who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of 
hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe." 


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

[Rated: PG]

<<I was stung twice in one minute by bees this week. It really hurts, Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! 
  Now here comes the insect quotes....>>


"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." -- Muhammad Ali


"Make yourself honey and the flies will devour you." -- Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra),


"When I was five years old I saw an insect that had been eaten by ants and of which nothing remained 
except the shell. Through the holes in its anatomy one could see the sky. Every time I wish to attain 
purity I look at the sky through flesh." --Salvador Dalí 


"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." --William H. Walton 


"We can allow satellites, planets, suns, universe, nay whole systems of universes, to be governed by 
laws, but the smallest insect, we wish to be created at once by special act." -- Charles Darwin


"Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant; and if it can be baked in a cake 
and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy." -- Mark Twain


"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them 
along on all our picnics." -- Bill Vaughan


"It takes a bee to get the honey out." -- Arthur Guiterman 


"a man thinks he amounts to a great deal but to a flea or a mosquito a human being is merely something 
good to eat." -- Don Marquis


"The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey." --Andy Warhol


"Aerodynamically the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it, so it goes 
on flying anyway." --Mary Kay Ash


"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." -- Buckminster Fuller