When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn- out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= "May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Top 10 Pickup Lines 1. Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. 2. Didn't it hurt when you fell from heaven? 3. You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day. 4. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours? 5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I walk by again? 6. Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Well let me introduce myself. 7. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 8. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? 9. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes. 10. The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name. Chambers Harrap's top 10 lines, available in a phrase book costing £3,50. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= The eight-year-old was asked by his grandfather. "What is the first thing you notice about a girl?" The lad, with a knowledge beyond his years, said, "That all depends on which direction she's facing." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= One day the four-year-old girl I baby-sit told me she was going to have a baby brother. Knowing that her parents wanted more children, I asked, "So when are you going to get this baby?" "Daddy says as soon as I start sleeping in my own bed," was her innocent reply. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= At our annual ecumenical gathering held at the church, each of the ministers had a different part in the service. The minister in charge of the sermon had just celebrated his birthday and proudly displayed his new sash, a gift. He also mentioned that his gown had been a birthday present a few years earlier. "It's not every day," one of the other ministers pointed out to the congregation, "that you hear your sermon from a guy in his birthday suit." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A Southern soldier was trying to sidle out of camp unnoticed, but was seen by the guard. The guard asked him for his pass. The soldier said, "Look, buddy, I don't have any old pass, but that don't bother me none. I have a date with my girl in town. I'm fixing to keep it. The guard stopped him. "If you try to get past this gate, I'm afraid I might have to shoot you." The soldier shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I've got a mother up in heaven, a daddy down in hell, and a gal in town. And I'm going to see one of them tonight!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= QUESTION: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance? ANSWER: It was a moth ball. QUESTION: And how did you find your steak, sir? ANSWER: Well, I just pushed aside a pea and there it was... QUESTION: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge? ANSWER: The door won't close. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up the man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it." The next little boy said "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." Then a third boy piped up: "In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams "OH MY GOD!!!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Announcement A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house Jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free," St. Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..." Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fxxk anymore?" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= My wife and other ladies in our parish, count church donations every Monday. This week she came home early. When I asked, "Why are you so early?", She replied "Every one showed up and we didn"t have anyone to talk about." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= [[Underground announcements]] A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... 1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." 2. "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." 3. "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." 4. "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'" 5. "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". 6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." 7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A minister told his congregation that there were 739 different sins. He has already received 73 requests for the list. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it. Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it. My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Husband: "But you're supposed to love me no matter what." Wife: "You must have me confused with Jesus." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since December." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Subject: FW: situational awareness scenario You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car And you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk! =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= O'Malley wheeled his way into the doctor's office for his first physical since his accident. The doctor said, "I just don't know about whether you'll ever walk again." O'Malley said, "Why don't you put a shot of whiskey on that table over there? If I can't make it, I'm helpless." =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A kangaroo kept escaping from his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing how high he could hop, the keepers erected a new ten-foot high fence, but the following morning the kangaroo had got out again. So they put up a 20-foot fence, but still the kangaroo managed to escape. Watching all this, the llama in the next enclosure said: "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied: "It doesn't matter unless someone lock the gate at night!" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= <<< Entertaining Quotes >>> "Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate." -- Anon "I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to." - Linda Evangelista, Supermodel "Needless to say, the president is correct. Whatever it was he said." -- Donald Rumsfeld, US Defense Secretary "A third of all women studying at North American graduate schools of Christian theology were female, according to the Washington Post." -- from Career Opportunities News (so what happens to the other 2/3?) "The diet doctor told me that I can't have ice cream for dessert anymore, so now I have it as an appetizer." -- Anon "Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." -- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster "we want results in every single classroom so that one single child is left behind." -- US President George W. Bush "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." -- David Acfield "I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons "Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something." - Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated "Now, Mark, this guy Tony that you share your life with - is he homosexual, too?" -- former Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo, asking a gay guest. "How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." - Anonymous Manufacturer "Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." -- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman "Most lies about blondes are false." -- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline "The world is more like it is now then it ever has before." -- Dwight Eisenhower "Permitted vehicles not allowed." -- Road sign on US 27 "Solutions are not the answer." -- Richard Nixon, former US President