In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Three people volunteered, Peter, Paul, and Louie. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-k now f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Q: Why does a bull wear a bell? A: Because his horns are broke! pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq EXPLAINING THE BIRDS AND THE BEES IN THE 21ST CENTURY... The little boy asked his father.."Daddy, how was I born?" Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!!! so here goes Well, you see your mom and I first got together in a chat room on the MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. Then we sneaked into a secured room where your mother agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.. and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You've got male!!!" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq < Warning: Environmental Hazzard, Do not imitate! > A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!" Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq THOSE AMAZING HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Rules of Life: Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you! Girl: Why thank you! Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too! pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq A local newspaper mistakenly printed an orbituary for Mr. Smith, a lawyer. He called them immediately and threaten to sue unless they provide a correction. The next day, following notice appeared: "We regret that the report of Attorney Smith's dead was in error." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq A tour bus of sight-seeing senior citizens was traveling through northern Nevada. The bus was making frequent stops at many landmarks and then the guide would give a little history. The bus then passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks, Nevada. The guide says, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A lone male voice could barely be heard from the rear of the bus... "And so, why aren't we stopping?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Mark Twain tried to convince children that Santa Claus lived on the moon. He couldn't. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq Love Lines? I thought that I could love no other. Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide your face. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot. This describes everything you are not. I want to feel your sweet embrace. But don't take that paper bag off of your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for you no words can tell. Except for maybe "go to hell". What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpppqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpq [<>] "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." -- Albert Einstein "A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." -- David Brinkley "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." -- Susan Ohanian "If you believe in what you are doing, then let nothing hold you up in your work. Much of the best work of the world has been done against seeming impossibilities. The thing is to get the work done." -- Dale Carnegie "If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it." -- William Arthur Ward "Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction." -- Al Bernstein "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -- Winston Churchill "Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure." -- Earl Wilson "How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?" -- Logan P. Smith "Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose." -- Bill Gates "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -- Bill Cosby "Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. " -- George S. Patton