A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his wife. But Morty was stubborn. "I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also." The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample." "Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!" Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense. I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked the other, "So, tell me, what was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "Well, let's see...I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "So, what was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then..... that stupid letter arrived!" Blood circulation A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." They were having their first fight, and finally he said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." She said, "I know. I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people." Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illness 1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu. 2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus. 3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains. 4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection. 5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease. 6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza. 7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness. 8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment. 9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness. 10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity. A three-year-old gained an interesting perspective on birth. His mother was pregnant and so was the family dog. So the father thought it would be a good time to explain where babies come from. The boy stood wide-eyed and watched the birth of the puppies. Months later, on the day of delivery, the child went to the hospital to visit his mother. As he looked at the row of babies through the nursery window, he asked, "Are these all ours?" A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, "Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps." "Well, I doubt it," replied the man. "You see, I'm a composer who hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I cant get any music publishers interested, and I've been to them all." The bartender suggested, "Well' let's hear it. Try it out on the crowd." The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present. When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, "I cant believe you can't get that published. That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?" "I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me, You Bitch'" A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age." Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?" "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris. Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means." Remember this ditty the next time you are tempted to accept the results of some survey being fed to you by the media -- the results largely depend on who was asked what. GOD BLESS AMERICA BUY A PUMPKIN History Test Answers The following are genuine snippets from History essays by high school students: "Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense." "The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper." "The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo." "Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this." "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign." "The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium." "The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy." "Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was precedent, he wore only a tall silk hat. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the Ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Cu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assasinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career." "The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history." A diner in a restaurant asked about the special of the day. The waitress told him it was cow's tongue. "Yuck," he said. "How could anyone eat anything that had been in a cow's mouth? I'll have two eggs over easy." A four-year-old found his dad's military identification tag and asked his mother what it was. His mother replied, "It's your father's dog tag." The child then asked, "When was daddy a dog?" INSULTING WITH CLASS "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulknner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in reply