<> A lady was escorted to a wedding by her 24-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before." She whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?" His response: "No more old flames?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband. "Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor. "Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor. "No, sir!", said the neighbor. "Did you ever get any from his wife?"' he asked. "No, sir," said the neighbor. "Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor. The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotes and fix the damned wall." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> When a person assisted a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him / her an accomplice. When a person assisted a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal gets arrested, we call him / her an attorney. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman standing behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.. . during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store, caught up with her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Two Jertrans (New Jersey transportation/ state roadworkers) workers were leaning back on their shovels admiring the traffic jam they had created when suddenly one the first worker picked up his shovel and slammed it down on the ground, killing a snail... the second worker asked, "what did you do that for", the first worker replied, "that snail has been following me for three days" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> List of Sevens 7 Deadly Sins: pride, envy, wrath, sloth, avarice, gluttony, lust. 7 Virtues: faith, hope, charity, fortitude, prudence, justice, temperance. 7 Dwarfs: Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Sleep, Doc. 7 Seas: Red, Adriatic, Black, Caspian, Mediterranean, Persian Gulf, Indian Ocean. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her breasts went. Q: What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma? A: When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Even Adam and Eve had their problems. One day Adam got angry. "You've done it again, Eve." said Adam. "You put my shirt in the salad again." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> [[English (Engrish) Signs]] "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." -- In a Japanese rental car "Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size." -- in a Seoul hotel "Please do not be a dog." -- on a grass in a Paris Park "Every drop of fresh apple juice, carefully pressed from the reddest apples, shining in colors of the cheeks of a snow-country child, is yours to enjoy in each soft and juicy Kasugai Apple Gummy." -- From a pack of apple gummy in New York "A Balmy Field - Mama makes delicious picnic lunch, also including honey." -- Hong Kong "Caution - steps may be slippery, especially during monsoons." -- From India "Venice, Italy: City of canals for woman motorcyclist." -- From Venice, Italy "Go Gay" -- A shampoo from Yugoslavia "Abundant product line of Mitsubishi-Motors will serve best to the needs of your living whenever and whatever you are!!" -- From Mitsubishi Motors website "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- From a Chinese restaurant "Helps you out in any shituation" -- Seen on a T-Shirt in Sydney, Australia "Will passenger Paul X please expose himself to the stewardess immediately..." -- Intercom annoucement on a Lufthansa fligght "Be considerate...think for others" -- A sign in Manza Onsen resort