Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown." [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] The little girl had just finished her very first soccer match and her Mother asked her how she liked the sport. "It's OK, I guess." she replied. "But it'd be a lot more fun if the other team learned how to share better." Terminology: soccer (football for the world excluding the USA) [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] Great Exercise Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy,?I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends.?The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. ? With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out? from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. ? Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful. [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service. "There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime." The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please." [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen. [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] I manage a discount bookstore and was amused by a phone conversation one of my salesclerks had with a new computer user. The caller asked if we carried "Linux for Dummies." "No," the clerk replied, "but we do sell "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux." The man groaned and said, "No...The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux is way over my head!" [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] In the news room a metropolitan Florida newspaper, my colleagues and I were busily working during an afternoon thunderstorm. Suddenly an unusually loud clap of thunder rattled the windows, and every light in the place went out -- save one. Bathed in the glow of the remaining light sat our religion writer, a minister, at his desk. Apparently not surprised, he stood and bowed, as we applauded. [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] The Bible by college students The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students: The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold, with stale Coke. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's ok, I won't tell you who the father is!" [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now what?" [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking." [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] "According to "USA Today" the new trend in furniture is furniture made of concrete. You thought it was hard finding friends to help you move before!" --Jay Leno [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] "You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy...because you might be one yourself someday." --Carol Brady, The Brady Bunch [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] "As they say, she's nice from afar, but far from nice." --James DeBello as Rod in "100 Girls". [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] "And so, in my State of the - my State of the Union - or State - my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation - I ask Americans to give 4,000 years - 4,000 hours over the next - the rest of your life - of service to America" -- US President George W. Bush, on his community service initiative [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] "That thing was a total ugh." -- pop singer BRITNEY SPEARS, in a Peoplee magazine interview, recalling her short-lived, quickie Las Vegas marriage.