[Rated: PG] One day at the office, a man noticed that his very conservative co-worker was wearing an earring. "I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff," he said to his friend. "It's not a big deal," the guy said. "It's just an earring." "How long have you been wearing it?" "Since my wife found it in my car last week." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: G] The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us grows best in where. "For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade." After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him. "Your sermon did me so much good," she said. Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: G] My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "To hear a replay of this week's sermon, push the button." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG] Two businessmen meet in the street. "Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week". ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG] [[Facts or Fabrications?]] In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------------ Every day more money is printed for Monopoly board game than the US Treasury. ------------------------------------------------ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades ....... King David Hearts ......... Charlemagne Clubs .......... Alexander, the Great Diamonds .... Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------------ Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------------ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ------------------------------------------------ Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only ...Ladies Forbidden".....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: G] With all the world's problems, it's odd to read the etiquette columns and learn there are still a few people whose chief worry is using the wrong fork. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG-13] At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Sí, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver." SILENCE.................... "Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: G] My sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of South Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the interrnet. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG] PROOF THAT JESUS WAS... ...Jewish: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. ...Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink. ...Puerto Rican: 1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was always in trouble with the law. 3. His mother did not know who his father was. ...Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil. ...Black: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. ...Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: G] Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG-13] A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG] Lily: Is your uncle working yet? Willy: Well, he tried to open a bakery, but they threw him in jail. Lily: Why would they do such a thing? Willy: He was using a crowbar. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: G] [[[ Animal Quotes ]]] Animals are such agreeable friends; they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. --George Eliot 1819-1880 English Novelist. If animals had reason they would act just as ridiculous as we do. --Josh Billings All animals except man know the principal business of life is to enjoy it. --Samuel Butler 1835-1902 English Novelist & Satirist. Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly term with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. --Samuel Butler Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. --Anita Wise Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee much later than others. --Kin Hubbard 1868-1930 American Newspaper Humorist. A boy is, of all wild beasts, the most difficult to manage. --Plato 477-347 bc Greek Philosopher. Man is a two-legged animal without feathers. --Plato Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to. --Mark Twain. The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals. --William Osler 1849-1919 Canadian writer and physician. Animals have these advantages over man: They have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts law suits over their wills. --Voltaire 1694-1778 French political philoosopher & Satirist. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Rated: PG] Mermaid Parade I was at the Coney Island Mermaid Parade last weekend. It was as crazy as it can be. Follow the link to the photos I took............ http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/radiate2357/album?.dir=/36a3&.src=ph&.tok=phUTsNDBHcu3qWpG