[Rated: G]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children 
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to 
see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she 
asked what the drawing was. 

The girl replied, 
"I'm drawing God." 

The teacher paused and said, 
"But no one knows what God looks like." 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 
"They will in a minute."

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

Did you hear that I'm engaged to an Irish lad?"

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly." 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly Hills
Elementary School. 

"Guess what?" one said. "Mommy's getting married again and I'll have a new Daddy." 

"Really?" said the other girl. "Who is she marrying?" 

"Winston James, the famous Director." 

The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll like him. He was my Daddy last year." 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream." 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]

It was the trial of the year in the county. The defendant's evidence
consisted of pistols, sawed-off shotguns, rifles, axes, and a dozen
combat knives. The plaintiff's arsenal had in it a sharp razor, a
pitchfork, a bazooka, and a pit bull terrier.

After days of hearing evidence, the jury retired to the jury room and
debated the outcome. Finally it returned with a verdict.

"We, the jury, would have given fifty bucks apiece to see that fight!" 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

Ray had just reached his 115th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters,
he was asked, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 115?" 

Ray answered, "It was easy. I just never argue with anyone." 

The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else -- diet,
meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for
115 years!" 

The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. Then he
shrugged. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when 
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet 
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG-13]

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
Double Income, Little Dog Owner."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

Q:  How many gears in a French Army tank? 
A:  Six- five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind. 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the
opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants. I'll have a
Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice,
a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle.It's a
beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon,
but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what
he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at a college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've
never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my
bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like
that happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hunderd, and
eighty-seven billion to one." 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot
was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over
the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major
tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of
nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons,
struck the earth nearly 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour,
scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]

Okay, Okay, it finally all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: 

MENtal illness 

MENstrual cramps 

MENtal breakdown 

MENopause 

GUYnocologist 

AND 

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy. 

Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN? 

<I don't know about this, but I know 70% of my problem starts with women.>

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]

<<How NOT To Commit a Bank Robbery >>

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number
of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA,
who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no
money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.
Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven
minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again
until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with
their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her
father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.
He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities
arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the
name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name
and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut,
on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face
by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face
first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively
identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into
the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse
and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who
hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North
Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself
in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts,
who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still
unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the
keys locked inside.

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]


My mom was chatting with a friend in the store while I was visiting last
week. Her friend was having marital trouble.

My mom's advice... "There's so little difference between husbands, you
might as well keep the first." 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence
in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them,
always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died. On the way
back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I
didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having
your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she
was YOUR Aunt Emma!" 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder
whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for
me to smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and
traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.

Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi
told him.

"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if
I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man.
By all means."

Remember this ditty the next time you are tempted to accept
the results of some survey being fed to you by the media --
the results largely depend on who was asked what.



<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: G]

A man who had never been in a court of law before was put on the stand as
a witness. The court stenographer recorded every word he said. The man
started to talk faster. The stenographer's fingers flew across her
keyboard. The man spoke even faster, but finally came to an abrupt halt
and said, "Miss, will you stop writing so fast? I can't keep up with you!" 

<X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X><X>

[Rated: PG]

<Women & Men Quotes>

Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

A woman doesn't know what kind of man she doesn't want until she marries him. 
 
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
 
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is the husband !

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live
without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
 
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
 
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
 
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattention of one
   
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.
 
Early to bed, early to rise, your girl goes out with other guys.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets
to speak.

<Thanks to Julia>