Stupid Quotes of companies Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. ( Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division) (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) The Prussian Army's scheme of classifying recruits: They classified them on two axes: smart vs. stupid, and industrious vs. lazy. Smart + lazy became commissioned officers. Smart + industrious became non-commissioned officers. Stupid + lazy became cannon fodder. Stupid + industrious were taken out back and shot before they did any damage. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward to poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!" (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) The Blarney Stone A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it." (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub. "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down." (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Hillbilly Vasectomy After having their 11th child, Tom a Northern Kentucky Mountain man decided that 11 was enough, as he could not afford a larger bed. So Tom went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the Northern Kentucky Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ears going to help me." "Trust me, " said the doctor. So Tom went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1 2 3 4 5, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, West Virginia, and South Boston. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says, "The same as the short ones." (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same thing (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The prodigal son is returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!" (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking his pitbull on a lead. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in a single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in a single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My pitbull attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the Dog?" the inquisitive man asks. "Get in line." (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette." (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water. "We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them." As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge. It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0 (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) The state of Texas has executed yet another inmate. But Unforeseen legal issues have arisen. The state has killed so many people this year, it must now register as a tobacco company. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) "I asked my instructor how I could cut ten strokes off my golf score. He told me to quit on hole 17." --Arlen Powers (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) "I love nature, in spite of what it did to me!" --Actress and singer BETTE MIDLER, joking about her larger-than-life personality. (((((((((((((((((((((((((010)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those flaps to open!