The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!" The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me." XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him by teaching him the technique of self-hypnosis. To the wife's pleasant surprise, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This annoyed her until, finally one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying the therapeutic technique. The husband was repeating an expression to himself: "She's not my wife . . . she's not my wife . . . she's not my wife . . . " XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO The three stages of love and marriage: You don't know em, but you love em. You know em, and don't love em. You know em and you love em. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub. "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down." XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time. Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?" After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now." XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO One afternoon in the hospital operating room where I am a nurse, I heard one of our nurse anesthetists trying to put a patient to sleep. "Now I want you to breathe in and out," she intoned, "in and out, slowly in and out." The patient opened her eyes and said, "Is there any other way?" XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned." XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO She married him because he was such a "strong man" She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male." He married her because she was so "fragile and cute." He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless." She married him because "he is a good provider." She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business." He married her because "she reminds me of my mother." He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day." She married him because he was "happy and romantic." She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-craving." He married her because she was "steady and sensible." He divorced her because she was "boring and dull." XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO "Ninety-eight percent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2% have to generate their own sex and violence." --Franklin P. Jones ############### "When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute." --Author Unknown ############### "An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex." --Aldous Huxley ############### "A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage." - Marvin Kitman ############### "Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal." -- William Shakespear ############### "It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover." -- Marge Piercy ############### "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts the milk." -- Ritha Rudner ############### "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer." -- Swami X ############### "Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." -- Robert Fulghum ############### "When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows." -- Frederike Ryder ############### "They haven't found Mr. Right. Maybe there's just a Mr. OK or Mr. Pretty Good." -- Linda Waite ############### "We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops." -- Unknown ############### "A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job interviews have a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it." -- Jerry Seinfeld ############### "There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps." -- Ronald Reagan ###############