A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and after the surgery advised him that all was well. However, in the recovery room the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctor hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence... "Get well quick...from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The staff at the hospital where I was working decided to dress up for Halloween. I wore my standard X-ray tech's uniform of a dress shirt, tie and lab coat, but made the rest of myself up as a werewolf with a shaggy wig, makeup, long nails and lots of hair on my face and hands. While I was preparing an examining room for a patient, I realized why we technologists always take the time to explain X-ray safety. There, I overheard a young boy who had seen me in the corridor ask his mother, "Mommy did that man have too much radiation?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A couple of homosexual men are accidentally rear-ended by a large truck at a stop sign one afternoon. Furious, the man in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, steps out of the car, then walks back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the homosexual, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "We're gonna sue your ass!" The truck driver smirks, says, "Blow me, buddy!" The homosexual stands there for a moment thinking, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this... he wants to settle out of court!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for those." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE: "What the fuck was that?" --Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" --General Custer "Any fucking idiot could understand that." --Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" --Pablo Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" --Pythagoras "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" --Michelangelo "I don't suppose it's going to fucking rain?" --Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass!" --Noah "I need this fucking parade like I need a hole in the head." --JFK "Who the fuck is going to know?" --Bill Clinton "What the fuck is burning?" --Marzee Editor of the Daily Recipe HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time. Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?" After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now." [Contributed to Reader's Digest.] HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.