[] Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked. Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand. After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am nnot." Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?" !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No", said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his female friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Bond A man wanted to arrange for the disposal of a $5,000 bond, so he called his bank. "Is the bond for redemption or conversion?" asked the clerk. The man paused, "Well, am I talking to the First National Bank or the First Baptist Church?" !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Gripe sheet After every flight Quantas pilots fill out a form called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repair on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never ever had an accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield S: Live bugs on back-order P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 ft per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear S: Evidence removed P: DME volume unbelievably loud S: DME volume set to more believable level P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick S: That's what friction locks are for P: IFF Inoperative in Off mode S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode P: Suspected crack in windshield S: Suspect you're right P: Number 3 engine missing S: Engine found on right wing after brief search P: Aircraft handles funny (I love this one) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious P: Target radar hums S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics P: Mouse in cockpit S: Cat installed P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Tech support, "How may I help you?" Customer, "I'm writing my first e-mail." Tech support, "OK, and what seems to be the problem?" Customer, "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech support, "Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7." Customer, "Is that 7 in capital letters?" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Male Customer: "I have problems printing in red..." Tech support: "Do you have a color printer?" Customer: "Aaaah... thank you." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer, "I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Male Customer, "My keyboard is not working anymore." Tech support, "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?" Customer, "No. I can't get behind the computer." Tech support, "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back." Customer, "OK." Tech support, "Did the keyboard come with you?" Customer, "Yes." Tech support, "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?" Customer, "Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work..." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max. "That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "'It's me, Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Best actual headlines of 2005 Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that! ] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?] !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] A young woman was taking an afternoon nap on her birthday. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it -- only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams". !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] A wild-looking man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and holding his hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously announced, "Doctor, I need your help right away." "I can see that," replied the doctor. "Please lie down on the couch and tell me your problem." "I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, I am the Emperor of France. I have everything I could possibly want. But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble." "I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring the man. "And what seems to be her problem?" "For some strange reason she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it." In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint. In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?" Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] "In our family," a little girl told her teacher, "everybody marries relatives. My father married my mother, my uncle married my aunt, and the other day I found out that my grandmother married my grandfather." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!" !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Stress-Relieving Prayer Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the ass That I might have to kiss tomorrow. Amen. !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Bush was receiving a business tycoon at the White House. "I don't know what the fuss is about the stock market. If I weren't President, I'd be buying stocks right now." "I know," said the businessman. "If you weren't President, I'd be buying them, too." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] A man came into the flower shop and asked to have a dozen carnations delivered to his mother. He also requested that a card with the initials "R. E." be placed somewhere in the bouquet. After he left, my boss came over to me and said, "I've never seen that before--an 'R. E.'-in-carnation." !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Reporter: And how did you win the Distinguished Service Cross? Private: I saved the lives of my entire regiment. Reporter: Wonderful! And how did you do that? Private: I shot the cook. !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] Q: What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together? A: Bullshit !@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$!@#$ [] {{{ Quotes in the Book 'Getting Things Done' by David Allen }}} "Anxiety is caused by a lack of control, organization, preparation, and action." -- David Kekich "The ancestor of every action is a thought." - Ralph Waldo Emerson "It does not take much strength to do things, but it requies a great deal of strength to decide what to do." -- Elbert Hubbard "You've got to think about the big things while you're doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction." -- Alvin Toffler "Celebrate any progress. Don't wait to get perfect." -- Ann McGee Cooper "It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself into a better way of action." -- O. H. Mowrer "I am rather like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what I want to do, but I don't know where to begin." -- Stephen Bayne "We must strive to reach that simplicity that lies beyond sophistication." -- John Gardner "What lies in our power to do, lies in our power not to do." -- Aristotle "The best place to succeed is where you are with what you have." -- Charles Schwab "Luck affects everything. Let your hook always be cast; in the stream where you least expect it there will be a fish." -- Ovid "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." -- Mark Twain