Negotiations between the union and management were at an impasse. The union continually denied that its members abused the company's sick leave policy. At the bargaining table one day, management's chief negotiator held aloft the Sports section out of yesterday's local paper. There on the front page was a photo of a man who had just won a local golf tournament. "This employee," cried the negotiator, "called in sick yesterday!" A thick silence fell over the room for some moments. Finally, one union negotiator cleared his throat and said, "Well, just think what his score would have been if he hadn't been sick...." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest." "How long have you been married?" she asked. "Ten years," came the immediate reply. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!" The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!" The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner, "If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!" The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are loving it. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?" The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a dentist." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ What's red and invisible? No tomatoes. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture." "We hadn't started eating yet." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function." "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation." "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized." "The skin was moist and dry." "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed." "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles." "She is numb from her toes down." "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot." "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress." "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce." "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Blanche: I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a bum a 100 dollar bill. Rabbi: You gave a bum a hundred whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it? Blanche: “Thanks.” $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A blonde is complaining to her friend about the bad day she'd had at work. Her boss had suffered a heart attack and died. Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?" The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers..." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Max: Are you active in your church? Monty: No, I just sit there and sleep till the sermon is over. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Stick 'em up," growled the holdup artist. "You're wasting your time," said the intended victim. "Things are so tough with me I haven't had a nickel in my pockets for a week." "You think that's tough? You don't know what tough is," the holdup man replied. "I ain't been able to afford bullets for this gun for two months." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six brand new golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Mrs. Crumps was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Crumps, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman. Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you have this in a Nike?" [Contributed to Reader's Digest.] $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop. "I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers." "Do you want a full sandwich or half one?" came the reply. "Ah... gimme a half," my friend says. After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard... "Small Italian, your order is up!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?" - Anon "It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same." --Sir Philip Gibbs "If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that." --Milton Jones "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde "I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face- lifts until my ears meet." --Rita Rudner "I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I'm not a liar." --Overheard at Starbucks