The 5 toughest questions for men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty.. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Porsche with the insurance money!") ------------------------------------------------------ Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Johnny: A teacher. ------------------------------------------------------ A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat. The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?" ------------------------------------------------------ In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!" ------------------------------------------------------ With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed in US annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself. ------------------------------------------------------ Q: How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? A: They Take The Psycho Path. Q: How Do You Get Holy Water? A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It. Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? A: Nacho Cheese. Q: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? A: Subordinate Clauses. Q: What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? A: Quattro Sinko. Q: Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? A: Because They Have Big Fingers. Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? A: Because It Scares The Dog. Q: What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. Q: How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer. Q: What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? A: Spoiled Milk. ------------------------------------------------------ A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake, and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Rejuvenated, they were halfway back to the spot where they had left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men were getting dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize." ------------------------------------------------------ DOG QUOTES Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs. --Martha Scott Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. --Josh Billings I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog. --Wendy Liebman They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat! --David Letterman I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the car-pool lanes. --Monica Piper Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. --Corey Ford, American writer He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas. --Ben Franklin My dog can bark like a Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings. --Gerold Solomon, US Congressman ------------------------------------------------------ Funny Animals (Thanks to Lichen)