[] After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] "Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?" "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?", asked his wife. The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!" OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A guy who has a really bad stutter was walking down the street one day when he bumps into an old friend. "It's been a long time, " says the friend, "What have you been up to?" " I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married" the man replies. "What do you mean almost?" the friend asks. "W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left. "All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?" inquired the friend. "W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his b-b-balls." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs! OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] Q: How do you change a fox into an elephant? A: You marry her. Q: How do you turn a stallion into a pig? A: You marry him. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] BERLIN (May 18...Reuters) - A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her petrol, police said Wednesday. "She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Muenchberg. "Unfortunately, the woman did not return." Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded "deposit" before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] Once a boy came crying from school. When he arrived to his house, he told he dad still crying, "Dad, a kid in school called me gay." "Hit him next time." The dad said. "No...he's too cute." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A lawyer woke up one night and found his bedroom dusky with red light and foul with a sulfurous stench, and there at the foot of the bed was someone he recognized instantly as Satan. Satan smiled and said, "Mr. Abrams, if you wish, I will give you untold wealthy, all the women you want, together with fame and long life, how about it?" The lawyer's eyes narrowed, "What's the catch?" Satan said, "The catch is that in exchange for all of that, I will eventually have your immortal soul." And the lawyer said, "Come on. What's the real catch?" OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] Senior Citizens Are Valuable We are more valuable than any of the younger generations: We have silver in our hair. We have gold in our teeth. We have stones in our kidneys. We have lead in our feet and .... We are loaded with natural gas. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can't see what you have to complain about." The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned." "Ah," said the priest, "a parable." "In a way, Father," replied the man. "I'm the only one who knows it pinches." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle." OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo [] {Weird quotations that make queer sense] "My wife's breasts are in Toronto - with my wife, obviously - so that's where my baby is." -- Actor Paul Bettany, husband of Actress Jennifer Connelly "A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets." -- Homer Simpson "Does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?" Buffy in the 1992 movie BTVS "I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!" -- Ronnie Shakes "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork." -- Peter De Vries "The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse." -- Dennis Miller (quoted in Underground Humor, 1997, ed: Edward Bergin) "Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow. " -- Chris Rock "I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen "When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish." -- Julio Iglesias "Don't date the captain of the football team. Be the captain of the football team." -- Courtney Love "You can try to suck me dry But there's nothing left to suck. Just you try to hold me down Come on, try to shut me up" -- Gutless by Hole "It is time we acknowledge America had both founding mothers and fathers!" -Massachussets Senator Edward Kennedy "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. " -- Rita Rudner "Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished." -- Leslie Nielsen