[You may have seen a few of these before, but many of them are new...] Real-Life Classified Ads: ------------------------- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Lunch Special -- Turkey $5.35; Chicken or Beef $4.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it care- fully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Two paramedics were dispatched to check on an elderly man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55 miles per hour." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% The Mouse And The Apple And Nut Bins An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept a couple of food bins. One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts. They were having quite a bit of trouble wth mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts. During the night they heard a trap snap. The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse. On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we catch him by the apples?" The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. "Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs." "That must have hurt," said the judge. "No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer. The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He im- mediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?" The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Q: Why is having a good shit better than sex? A: Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." --Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided." --Casey Stengel %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "McDonald's said they are going to start pre-cooking their burgers to put the fast back in fast food. What about putting the food back in fast food?" --Jay Leno