I shall seek and find you . . . I shall take you to bed and control you . . . I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan . . . I will make you beg for mercy . . . I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave . . . And you will be weak for days . . . All my love . . . The Flu XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX <> Letter From Camp ----------------- Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The ultimate Hillbilly divorce A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yah, I got 40 acres." The lawyer said, "You don't understand. Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundees. " The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30". The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal." "How long have you been married?" the lawyer asks. "One day." says the hillbilly. "One day!" says the lawyer, "Why do you want to divorce your wife after only one day?" The hillbilly says, "Because she was a virgin on our wedding night." The lawyer says, "I don't understand. Why do you want to divorce your wife if she was a virgin on your wedding night?" The hillbilly says, "Because, I figure if she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for mine neither." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Truth In Politics It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The Old Dilapidated Boat Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'm not saying our new receptionist is dumb, but this is how she filled out her insurance forms: Date of Birth: January 12, 1978 Weight: 6 pounds, 10 ounces (3kg) Height: 20 inches (50cm) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years." "Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?" "I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains. Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus. Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Masturbation is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands." --George Carlin XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off." --Conan O'Brien XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes." --James Feibleman XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." --A.H. Weiler