Dear Friend, I will be away for two weeks, visiting family and attending my grandfather's funeral. Next week's compilation will be skipped. My mother's father, my grandfather L.C. Lee, passed away in April. He lived to 93. A traditional Chinese funeral took weeks of planning and was set to June 10th. Grandpa opened Taiwan's first department store during 1940s. He traveled over 50 countries and was member of over 25 social groups and trade associations. He was desribed as one of the best mediators in the country because of his reputation and fairness. He was a very strict yet kind and caring person with a lot of friends. His secret of long life was getting up at 5 am every day to exercise, drinking a shot of whiskey for lunch, taking a short nap in the afternoon, eating a lot of plums, and surrounded by good people. He had two stokes which paralyzed half of his body. He recovered in a month in both cases. He dragged himself up and down the stairs in his four-story house with only one movable foot and one arm over 100 rounds a day, until he was able to walk normally again. His determination and descipline was legendary. L.C Lee is survived by his wife Yiu-fong, his 5 sons & 2 daughters, 18 grandchildren, and many relatives and friends. Brian [The jokes begin] ############################################################################### Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!" ############################################################################### How to Drive Like an Idiot In case you need the information, here is how you, too, can drive like an idiot. It can be very useful while traveling in North Eastern US. __________________________________________________ Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times. Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB. If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light. When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane. (Right-most lane if you are driving in UK or Australia). Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers: "Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT SHIT" "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you" "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" "If you can read this, you're too close" "Watch my ass, not hers" "I'd rather be skiing" "I brake for no apparent reason" "I drive this way just to piss you off" When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window. If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers. When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit. Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure every- thing is loosely tied, if tied at all. When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off. Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap. Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down. You always have the right of way. Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road. Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit. While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield. Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them. If you have a cell phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend. Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers. Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them. If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road. ############################################################################### Did you know? . . . Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. ############################################################################### "How do you know if a patient is crazy?" A visitor asked. "Well," said the Director of the mental hospital, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub." Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug." So how did you do? ############################################################################### A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days." ############################################################################### Q: What are 3 problems about being an egg? A: You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard. Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish & half Italian? A: He made himself an offer he couldn't understand. Q: Why is the government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? A: It won't work and you can't fire it. Q: Why is a tree like a dog? A: Because they both lose their bark when they die. Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? A: His lips start moving. Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant? A: Her legs! ############################################################################### A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." ############################################################################### It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break." ############################################################################### Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm." "No, she isn't," said Johnny. "Why not?" "Because I ate her first!" ############################################################################### At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ############################################################################### A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl suddenly winked and asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied..."You're old fashioned, spit out your gum, I want to play President." ############################################################################### I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away. ############################################################################### A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to check on him. "How are you feeling?" she asks. "I'm okay," he says, "but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery." "What did he say?" the nurse asks. "Oops." ############################################################################### Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want." ############################################################################### A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today." ############################################################################### Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes. The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color, etc., etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong end of the dog." ############################################################################### A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, please leave. The man goes away. The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not President, please go away. Again, the man goes away. The next day the man comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!! The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it. ############################################################################### Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone, North and Foster. Damn...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them. ############################################################################### Metal shrinks when it gets cold. That's why the Eiffel Tower is six inches (appx. 15 cm) shorter in winter. ############################################################################### [[[Quotes in no particular subject or order ]]] "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." --E. B. White "The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." -- Tom Clancy. "What we perceive depends upon what we look for." - Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul "While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make- up mirror to see what time it was." --Unknown "When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty." -- Thomas Jefferson "The only time you can't afford failure is the last time you try." --Charles Kettering "Ben Affleck says that he is going to take a year off from acting. Apparently it was ast year." --Conan O'Brien "The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money." -- Johnny Carson "We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'" --Brad Stine "The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person." --P. J. O'Rourke "The best way to have a good idea, is to have a lot of ideas." - Linus Pauling, Scientist, Nobel recipientt