Women's Training Courses And for those of us who are sick of the man-bashing jokes, it's her turn now: Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Oat Bran is Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news." Linda asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Linda asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch." ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** There were two old-maid sisters... both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 12:45, the front door flies open and in runs Gladys... heading straight for the bathroom. Betty growing concerned, knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!" ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House: 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one. 6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were going to get married. "Whatsa dis?" screamed Mother. "Who's a-gonna love you like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?" "Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren't even Italian!" ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever." ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee. Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty!! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My co-worker, an attractive and refined young woman, tele- phoned the service station to make a tuneup appointment for her car. She was told they could fit her in on Thursday at 2 p.m. Imagine the attendant's surprise and my friend's embarras- sment when she walked in and announced, "Hello, I'm your two o'clock squeeze." [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** "I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased when I read the description in the catalogue: 'no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'" --Eleanor Roosevelt ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** "Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened." --Cora Harvey Armstrong ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." --Alex Levine