A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $60, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Two snakes were slithering through the grass. One snake turned to the other and asked, "Do you suppose we are poisonous?" " I don't know", replied the other, "Why?" "Well", said the first, "I just bit my lip!" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Three Cute Prawns Suntanning on the Rice Harmful If Swallowed """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen.". """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Feel like shopping? We have no good things to sell. -shop sign, Lovina Beach, Bali Feeling sick? Are you haunted by the horribles? Do you run after your own nose? -Japanese medical form Wondering what to wear? A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers. -in a French hotel brochure Wondering where to eat? Grill and Roast your clients! Open for lunch, dinner and Sunday Brunch. -slogan of the Hibiscus restaurant in the JJakarta Hilton International """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" New York City Boy: Say, Dad, how many types of milk are there? Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and -- but why do you ask? City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many "spigots" to put on her. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Because my daughter always complained that she didn't have any sharp knives, I bought her some. I phoned later and asked how she liked them. "They're terrific!" she replied enthusiastically. "I've already cut myself four times!" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" On Author, Appropriate "The Imperial Animal' by Lionel Tiger and Robin Fox, 1972 "Land Speed Record' by Cyril Posthumus, 1971 "The Boys Own Aquarium' by Frank Finn, 1922 """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" My Uncle Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by my uncle's farm and noticed his barn was on fire but he is sitting near with his head down. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled. "I know it," said Uncle Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain." """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off". """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" This year I'm trying a new strategy with my lawn. I'm planting the weeds first in hopes that the grass will take over. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Tom : I found twenty cents on the sidewalk. Jim : That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning. Tom : But, what I found was two ten-cent coins! Jim : That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" The flowers and the bees Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter: "Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the flowers and the bees. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist. Well, that takes care of that. Write soon, Affectionately, Father """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver." """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and SOMETIMES LAWYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO WALK THROUGH THAT ROOM!" The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first." """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" A farmer got in his pick-up and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." Well said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?" "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $150 for the bull and $75 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard." """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Game Show Host Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Host: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Bernidorm. Host: Wrong, sorry. let's try another question. In what country is the Parthenon? Contestant: I don't know. Host: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" [[[ Quotes ]] "If you aren't beautiful, be nice. If you are neither, beat it. There is no space in BED for you." -- Matt Oliver (BED is a restaurant in Manhattan) "The one who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it." -- Jason W. Coleman "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." --Don Herold "You have tasted of that cup whereof I have liberally drank, which I look upon as God's physick, having that in healthfulness, which it wants in pleasure." -- King Charles "In nothing do men approach so nearly to the Gods, as in giving health to men." -- Cicero "These are not issues that we have guidebooks about. They are ssues that we have to summon up what we believe is morally and ethically and spiritually correct and do the best that we can with God's guidance. How do we create a system that gets rid of micro-management and the regulation and bureaucracy, and substitutes instead human caring, concern and love-- that is our real challenge in re-defining our health care system." -- Hillary Rodham Clinton "In the physical world, one cannot increase the size or quantity of anything without changing its quality. Similar figures exist only in pure geometry." -- Paul Valéry (1871 - 1945) "The secret to leadership is to see your position as an opportunity to serve, not as a trumpet call to self-importance." -- J. Donald Walters "Whenever you can, count." -- J. R. Newman (ed.) The World of Mathematics